A few years ago, when I had neighbors I could see from my window, I noticed my fashionista neighbor in her short skirt and scoop neck top working outside. Before I could stop myself, I was comparing. If I stood next to her, which of us has the better body? I thought twice about what I’m wearing before going outside to garden, guessing that she might be checking me out from her side window, too.
An Appetite for Competing
Who Gets Brad?
Why do we do this? Maybe it’s because from a young age, we’re told to compare. In People or Star we see Angelina Jolie pitted against Jennifer Aniston and realize that if these two perfections of female stardom and sophistication have to compete, then we’re doomed.
In Susan Barash’s book Tripping the Prom Queen: The Truth about Women and Rivalry, she found that in all socio-economic levels and in all friendships women compete against each other, comparing hemselves to “friends, coworkers, sisters, even to their own daughters”.
When Barash interviewed women she found sisters envying each other, single women envied married women, married women having affairs envied their lovers’ wives, or happily married friends. Stepmothers and mothers envied each other, as did first and second wives. Divorced women envied those still married. Married women envied the divorcees who had gone on to find a better life or better man.
One woman said she chose to live in a small town, “So there would be less competition”; other women avoided certain parties. As she put it, “I don’t want my husband to meet too many single, beautiful women.”
Competing for WHAT?
We’re not always fighting for a man but we often are. In today’s great recession, jobs are scarce, as are the chances to have some power (to run an organization, a book club, a bible study). Good female friends are in high demand. If she becomes friends with someone else, will she still have time for me?
Good men are scarce, too (the Jolie/Aniston comparison game was usually over Brad, right?) It is the repeating problem for women (and I don’t doubt of men, too) of wanting to be noticed by the opposite sex. How much will we sacrifice to get this attention? In all of Jane Austen’s books she explores just how much a woman’s character kept her from compromise to land a good marriage.
How desperate are we to get what we want?
Hungry for Love
My rivalry swells from my insecurity. If I hold back and don’t market myself, my books, my blog, my speaking niche, will there be enough of what I need left?
If I believe that you might be better than me in some essential thing I think I need to get ahead, then I will become afraid. Fear, the opposite of love, ruins too many friendships. This is why John says in 1 John 4:18 “Perfect love casts out all fear.” The opposite is also true, perfect fear casts out love.
Women who are hungry for love fight more viciously for attention, like hungry seagulls fighting for a scrap of food. Envy actually points to our impoverishment.
Despite the women’s movement to change this problem, we still focus our rivalry almost exclusively on each other. The worse part: we rarely admit it. OTHER women get all catty and into their own drama, but not us. Barash found that most women take several interviews before admitting that they suffer from envy.
Most women claim that they have the best, closest friendships among women. I agree.
But Barash notes two forces that keep women from being honest:
1- The fear of feminists blaming them for destroying the beautiful picture of female friendship.
2- The pressure to look like the “good girl” who is not suffering from something as childish as an envy problem.
Owning it
I haven’t found a lot of friends eager to admit that they compare themselves with women who are younger, older, more beautiful, more successful, unless someone else admits it first. We’re not eager to admit that we have salty glances, sour eyes for those in the “sisterhood.”
How can we admit it?
We might be The. Only. One.
But if you have the courage to join me, even with a simple comment (“I compare, too”) watch how many other competitors lay down their arms and step forward. If you do, thanks for joining us in this sisterhood of confession.
I compare, too! I find myself downgrading my own body when I do this comparing.
Thanks for joining this, Jess. I love your boldness. So sounds like your comparing always leave you feeling shortchanged? “Downgrading” is a good word for that.
I join the sisterhood of confession and admit that I, too, compare, both in regards to looks and in regards to achievements and accomplishments. This, I think, is a natural tendency we can thank the Great Fall for, for it affects men as well as women.
As I have grown older (all of my 32 years!), I notice that I compare less with regards to look and achievements and more towards other peoples relationship with God. Just this weekend, at a faculty meeting in Redding, CA, I “envied” the relationship between God and a 93 year old woman. How she praised Him. How she knew Him. She, hunched-backed woman with a name most will never know, glowed radiantly when she spoke of Jesus.
But this is when I am at my best. And I find it freeing because I am able to lift up other people towards their giftedness, which is my job as a seminary professor and a writer. When I am at my worst, when I am tired, overworked, overwhelmed, the old comparisons kick in.
It makes you wonder: has the change happened on a superficial or a deep, soul level? I liken it to my thick, lazy East Texas-Louisiana accent: when I am on stage, behind a podium, or in the company of strangers, I have been told I have no accent. But when I am least guarded, most tired, most comfortable, surrounded by friends or old aquaintances, the lazy, long vowels slide their way back into my dialect.
Is the same true for when I compare myself (once again) to another woman? For me, I think there been some changes on a deep level, in that I no longer allow (or have the urge) to terminate or refuse to embark on a friendship because of envy.
Halee,
I like this comparison between your accent and your weakness to compare. I notice when I feel most weak I vacillate between extreme gratitude that I have friends who are so much stronger and paralyzing fear that I could never be cool enough to be friends with HER.
It’s strangely sad how envy could keep us from becoming friends with some of the women whom we would really connect to. For instance, when I first met Sally it was because she was presenting for a woman’s Bible study on “the woman’s soul.” My first reaction was fear and comparision… is she taking my niche?
But putting that aside, attending the Bible study and meeting her gave me a chance to find a real treasure of a friend, someone who connect with me on so many things I care about.
What a strange thought that our envy could be an indicator of someone quite similar to us… and even a potential friend.
I have to constantly be on guard when I see someone who has a nicer body than I do, prettier hair than I do, nicer clothes, and the list can go on. The reason for being on guard is I find myself wishing I looked like that or had that item. I tend to forget that God likes variety, unlike the magazines that make people feel like they need to be a size 6 or less to look good. It would be a boring world if everyone had the same body type. I’m trying to embrace the curves I have (not an excuse for being overweight) and remember that God likes me just the way He made me.
Jennifer,
I admire your openness to share here and your willingness to find what God found beautiful when he designed you body and soul. I’m actually speaking on “Comfortable in Your Own Skin” this weekend at a local woman’s retreat. I have a talk on this at soulation.org. You might enjoy it: http://www.soulation.org/media/ComfortableInYourOwnSkin-Mix.html
Would love any feedback!
See Brian Regan’s “The Me Monster” skit on Youtube. It talks about the comparisons.
I think sisters compare most of all. It’s a competition. Who is the best? Who is the most successful? Who’s the prettiest? Who’s the most daring?
It’s pride: the desire not to be good, but to be better than others.
ABBY!
I LOVE that Brian Regan routine, view it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5QvSoRQrVJg.
Thanks, Abby for reminding me.
It’s interesting that you wrote this, you being my sister and all… makes me grateful for your boldness and honesty here.
I was going to write about that song from White Christmas, “Lord, help the mister who comes between me and my sister.
And Lord help the sister who comes between me and my man.”
I like your final point… we can all be good, we really can. But only one can be best. And there is always a better one, with an 8 wisdom tooth tale, all impacted and wart-hoggy without anaesthesia (see Brian Regan).
Well, pin the blue ribbon upon her chest.
I tend to compare with my girlfriends who do the same things I do, same field of research, speakers, writers, etc.
Why do you think sisters compare most of all?
Definitely one who compares!!! On the flip side, i continue to seek out what I love about a friend, sister, acquaintance, and point it out to them. Puts the emphasis on the beauty that god gave them -as a gift for my eyes to look at or appreciate and admire, or learn from. Jonalyn, these are lessons that you have taught me! Thankyou!
Audra,
I’m glad you reminded me of this. =)
I know that when I first moved back to NH, I had a hard time making friends. I remember being very jealous when I heard of some other group of girls going out or friends that had had coffee. I had a jewelry party to get to know some of the ladies in my Sunday school class, and NONE of them came. Let me tell you it was tough. But God helped me to find some friendships that I now treasure and am so thankful for. I still get a little green when not invited to the Panera “party” or this and that, but then I remember the great gift I have in those true friends and how God has used them to challenge me and realize I am accepted for who I am, the good and bad together. I have also been on a journey of health and weight loss and proper body image and I can say with God’s help I am comparing myself less and less and owning this awesome body God has given me. It so helps to have friends that are also on this journey that I can be completely honest with and be accountable to.
Danielle,
I just spoke with someone today who told me a similar story about her move to Steamboat.
Your jewelry party story sounds all too familiar. Even if unintentional hurts, maybe even more so because women are so busy and seem not to know.
Feeling left out has always been a horrible feeling for me. I wonder if other women also feel left out often. I agree that noticing the friends and good connections I have with them, helps.
I LOVE hearing you call your body awesome. A good example to us.
Danielle –
I think you tell a familiar story, even for some who are not new to an area. I think this happens in churches, mother-groups, long-time friend groups, accountability groups…and so on…exclusivity. And you and Jonalyn are both right – it can be painful. I think that we have all have a sweet spot for being thought of and remembered (aka – loved?) and when that is not done in a more deliberate way (e.g. not being invited) we feel it deeply.
I admire your courage in continuing to try and make friends, and recognizing your feelings of jealousy that are really not uncommon to any of us. Thank you for sharing about that.
I hope you visit the site again and post – your ideas are thoughtful and interesting.
thank you jonalyn
I too compare– esp.w/ other women and do feel a tinge of envy w/ someone’s success in any area–
I find myself comparing most w/ women in my same life situation– ie kids, etc.–
my question is– what is the antidote?
i actually don’t compare w/ my sister– we are in very different life circumstances– and I’m grateful we’ve been able to celebrate each others’ achievements w/ out a lot of comparison– its actually quite beautiful– a gift really– as I think on it! When I think about our relationship– I think what has helped us — is our honesty and our deep love for each other– and probably also our different life paths– she is single, in NYC, doing excellent creative work– I’m a mom w/ two kids–
Love hearing from you, Cat.
Antidote:
My favorite one so far is to befriend the women I envy. The more I walk in their shoes, the more I see that their success, no matter how lovely and glamorous, came at a cost, usually one that has a definite hard side, the more I see their humanity. I don’t envy people who I really love. for example, I don’t envy Dale, even though he has had more book success than me.
Second favorite, to pray for those I envy’s success. The more I bend my will and emotions and desires to will good for them, the more naturally I easily smile when I hear of them doing well.
I am a terrible comparer, In fact I committed it today. You are SO right about it stemming from my own insecurities. I still go to school with the friend I recently broke up with and I have had her in class the past few months, like you and your neighbor, I have found myself in distress over what to wear, because I have to look good and keep up with how she looks, and I found myself going above and beyond the required assignments in class, because my work must be better than her work. The reasons for all of this is, of course, my insecurities. I was and still am silently competing with this girl whom I once was best friends with. I ask myself WHY? and the best thing I can come up with is that if I keep up with her, then she can’t judge me. How PATHETIC. I shouldn’t even care what she thinks, but the fact is, I do care what she thinks and its tearing me apart.
Alyssa,
Appreciate your honesty here. How powerful to come clean and talk about why you compete.
Why do you fear her judgment? What will that mean for you? Feel free to ponder on your own, or answer her as you will.
I think caring what someone else thinks is good, if their good opinion is worth seeking. Often, though, I find myself seeking the good opinion of people who don’t care about good, true or beautiful things. But perhaps it’s even better to square your eyes to reality.. and that many women we compete against are busy worrying about themselves, more than us.
I recently read this deliciously good quote from G.K. Chesterton’s Orthodoxy. Perhaps you will love it, too.
“How much happier would you e if you only knew that these people cared nothing about you! How much larger your life would be if your self could actually become smaller in it; if you could really look at other [wo]men with common curiosity and pleasure; if you could see them as they are in their sunny selfishness and their virile indifference! You would begin to be interested in them, because they were not interested in you. You would break out of this tiny and tawdry theatre in which your own little plot is always being played, and you would find yourself under a freer sky, in a street full of splendid strangers.”
I wrote in my margin, “I’d be free to look up.”
Thank you for being open and vulnerable with us! In other places (Ruby Slippers) I’ve written how vulnerability seems to be the #1 feminine virtue.
Too be honest, I feel like a lot of it is that I don’t want her to think that she is better than I am. Which is (in part) why we broke up in the first place, she questioned my authority over my own life making it seem as though the way I did things such as school etc. were not as good as the ways she did. She made it seem as though in order to be her friend I had to do everything her way. And now I feel like I have to prove to her that I am fully capable of everything she is and more! Its awful Jonalyn, my hurt has turned into a sin on my part!
Alyssa,
When dealing with a judgmental friend, it is wise to part ways for a time, unless you find yourself unscathed by their judgmentalism. Sounds like you made a wise move, given your need for peacefulness and joy about yourself and who you’re designed to be.
Constantly earning, then maintaining a friend’s approval can be a hamster wheel.
Perhaps parting ways was only the 1st step. I’d recommend trying to consider ways you can protect yourself from her judgment as part 2.
We are made of flesh, God says we’re frail even, so we have to know what boundaries we can take. Sounds like your boundaries of her involvement in your life may still be too wide.
Why do you still know so much about her life if you’ve parted ways?
Thanks for being so great about getting back to me Jonalyn, I really appreciate it.
The reason that I still know so much about her is because we randomly keep being placed in the same classes because we attend the same school. So, unless I drop out of school or drop out of the classes we have together I cannot avoid her completely. And the latter 2 options aren’t really realistic for me…I feel like I shouldn’t have to adjust my schedule to avoid her, but then again, maybe I should…
Thanks again for taking time to discuss this with me, you are awesome!
Alyssa-
It sounds like this is a tough situation. Hopefully time with help you adjust to how to best be in school with her and live life without her, so to speak.
You bring up some great points about “how to” when making changes in your own life related to an ended-friendship. How can we even describe the inner-debate: change my schedule to avoid her, don’t change my schedule? Yes? No? Will I look weak? I like Jonalyn’s name for it, Step 2. What does S2 include, what will make it hard, what reminders do you need when faced with difficult situations or feelings?
Thanks for adding to our conversation!
To even be able to admit this type of insecurity takes a somewhat secure person. For a part of my life, I was unable to admit insecurity … me? insecure? jealous? no way. My sense of self was not strong enough to be able to own my tendency to compare and compete. In fact, people would admire how secure I seemed to be, because I would never show signs of jealousy- I was able to mask it quite well.
I have learned to own it and am gradually getting to the point where I can share more with people about this… although, I do admit it’s still a challenge for me to share it with the actual person that I am jealous of!
I had someone send me an email sharing with me the envy she had felt towards me for years- she said she had been tortured. This was COURAGEOUS and BOLD of her. I admire her greatly and told her so. She’s a role model to me.
Heather,
Some great points. We are all tempted to mask our weakness… isn’t it amazing how we are strong when we admit our weakness?
It’s very hard for me to admit it to the friend I’m jealous of, too. It feels like humiliation, not just humility.
I wonder how and if that would help us heal faster?
What do you think?
Yes I do think admitting the jealousy helps in the healing process. We feel such shame in our insecurity, and exposing it brings it out of the darkness- which is where shame likes to hide out.
There is some kind of freedom that comes with being bold in my insecurity. I find that it decreases my anxiety if I own and admit it, and I end up caring less what people think, because I feel less shame. Owning and admitting it makes me feel like I no longer have to hide and I can live more authentically.
Here’s to decreasing our anxiety! =)
(cue clinking wine glasses)
Jonalyn, I’ve been waiting eagerly for your post, and I’m not disappointed! Thank you!
Envy/comparison must be real for us all… and sneaks up on us when we aren’t looking. I, too, find that I compare with other people in my field and area of interest. Are they smarter, do they read more, are they a better doc? And, I agree with someone else who wrote about actually being jealous of someone’s relationship with Jesus! But it’s true! And, comparing myself to other Moms who seem to “do it all” and do it well.
But, I do think it keeps us striving to be better. I often ask those Moms, “how do you do it?” and occasionally get helpful tips! We can all learn from each other, and use our envy to make ourselves better.
Oh, and where are you speaking this weekend?
this will be quick as I’m juggling a grabby little Finnster on my lap.
I’m speaking at Epilogue bookstore for Sisters of Steamboat. The cost for the weekend covers all events. I’m on at 1pm for the “Eat, Drink and Be Literary” event. My talk is “Comfortable in Your Own Skin”… I’d LOVE it if you could come.
more to come once Finn naps. =)
I’m so glad you’ve enjoyed this new blog. With your schedule it’s a treat to have you posting, too!!
It’s another case in point that we envy others who do what we do (but in our minds EVEN BETTER!).
Piggy backing on Heather’s point above.. how hard it is to admit to the person we’re envying THAT we’re envious.
I’m going out on a limb here, but HEY like you said, we can learn from each other… and what’s this blog for if I can’t learn, too.
I’m going to be honest with you about something. Yesterday, when I ran into you at the office, I thought, “Sheila always looks so good!”
I started to slip into envy, “Why don’t I have cool clothes like her? GRRRR!”
Seriously, when I first met you I felt so amazed at your physical beauty and put-together-ness, made even more stunning when I compared myself to you. Especially difficult as I was the new, scattery mom who was always in her pjs at the hospital waiting for her baby to get out of the nursery care unit.
But then, Sheila, I got to know you.
And THAT is what saved me from sliding down into envy.
You are full of kindness, warmth and genuine REALness. Your eagerness to care know me, Finn, Dale and to listen and grow and ask questions. I feel we both have a lot to share with each other.
I want your beauty to lead me to be glad I have a friend who is so cool. I want to count myself as one of the people in your cheering section.
You are a lovely, professional, strikingly put-together woman and I count myself lucky to be your friend!
Hey Jonalyn!
And I have to say, it’s knowing the love of Jesus, and that he loves me JUST as I am, that has helped overcome my feelings of inferiority.
Thanks so much for your truly thoughtful and honest comments! I have struggled with insecurity for much of my life, as a child, teenager, and for most of my adult life. I’m just now learning to be “free” and really be me… finally at 37 years old!
I must also be honest, and tell you that when I talked to you in the hallway at the hospital so many months ago, and you told me of your love for Jesus and your career at Soulation, I was the envious one. You were so “real” and approachable. You were, and still are, inspirational.
I think you’re right: we both have a lot to share with each other!
Have a great day!
Thanks, Sheila! You make me smile…. I’m looking forward to getting together with you… hopefully soon! =)
I just watched Iron Man 2 and it has, to my mind, one of the best pop cultural examples of two powerful, seductive, intelligent women befriending each other and even working together (for 1/2 of the movie). I enjoyed watching Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow) and (Natasha Romanoff) Scarlett Johansson work together. I think the poised character of Pepper shows that women can be less glitzy, but more confident even when they discover their friends and co-workers think of them as a competitor, even over a man.
Potts character gives one exciting excample of how women don’t have to respond in kind, even when a siren threatens them.
I also loved that Romanoff could be rough and ready WITH curly hair… one of the first female action scenes I’ve scene where the power girl has LOTS of curls. HOORAY for variety!
I find myself comparing as well. After having two miscarriages, four years of infertility while trying to conceive again, and a recent diagnosis of permanent infertility, I find myself overwhelmingly envious of my friends who have had babies, or who are pregnant now.
It is a constant struggle to me, that I feel less of a woman somehow because I will never experience traditional motherhood of carrying a child and giving birth.
I know in my heart it makes no difference, but society tell us (even in Christian society) that having children makes a woman, a woman.
It has effected my relationships with other women greatly, mainly because I feel that I no longer have anything in common with them.
Jonalyn, thank you so much for writing Ruby Slippers, and for your honesty within its pages, and on your blog. You have helped me so much through a lot of things.
Katie
Katie,
I’m really thankful that you are so open with us here. Thank you for sharing the pain of being “left out.” Your words ring poignantly because, as you well know, this is over something you cannot control.
I hope others read this and make more efforts to notice the woman behind the roles (aka corsets from Ruby Slippers) we play. We are more than our child-bearing/carrying/birthing capacities.
It means a lot to read your words. I’m reminded of women like Deborah, who, as far as we know, bore no children, but was considered a mother in Israel.
Thank you for cultivating our awareness!
LOVE this post, and this site. What a great opportunity to share REAL stuff. Comparison/envy/jealousy – these are all things I’ve struggled with big time since I was young.
I’ll see an attractive woman in a magazine and wonder, “Why can’t I look like that? I should look like that.” Or I’ll go to a friend’s house for a delicious dinner and think, “Why can’t I cook like that? And entertain like she does?” Or I’ll marvel at someone whose house is beautifully decorated, or someone who is artistic, or someone who runs endurance races in Alaska, or someone who flies fighter jets, or someone how is a hands-on mother of ten. “Man,” I’ll think, “Shouldn’t I be doing that? And not just some of that, but ALL of that?”
For years I wasn’t even aware of it. And now, even as I’m aware of it and asking God to help me get over it, I still struggle with it every day. Often I feel most competitive with the women I’m closest to. I don’t know why, but even with a very close friend, my nature is to cheer on her successes and while simultaneously gauging how I measure up.
Jonalyn, I love your two antidotes. The prayer one has been especially helpful to me – as I pray for someone (and often it’s a “God, I don’t really want to pray for so and so, but…”), God softens and opens my heart towards them. I am thankful that God does this work.
One of my favorite Bible verses is at the end of the book of John when Peter sees John and asks Jesus, “What about him, Lord?” Jesus’ answer: “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You follow me.”
When I compare myself to others now, I want to step back and remind myself that God did not make me to be the prettiest, or the smartest, or the most talented… God made me to love and follow Him.
Can I just say, AMEN!
yes, I’m with Sheila on amen-ing this. Great point about Jesus command to Peter.
You know, lately I’ve found a lot of peace in saying things like, “Well, she’s more famous, or kind, or beautiful, or a better fill-in-the-blank than me.”
To admit that others are better in some things helps me own that I am not able to do all things well, only a few things and those with faltering steps.
I particularly like it when movie stars are being talked about. When on stage I like to say, “Catherine Zeta-Jones will always be more beautiful than me, but I’m glad God made someone like her.”
I even like typing it…
because it names the elephant in the room and lets me get on with what I was doing.
I remember this one guy once telling me a story about seeing Nichole Kidman. He said,
“I walked up to her table and she was . . .” Here he paused and glanced at me and said, “No offense, but, she was The. Most. Beautiful. woman I’d ever seen.”
I was like, come on now, you don’t have to apologize. She is more beautiful than me!
But Nicole (I love that I’m imaging myself on a first name basis!) and I am both made in God’s image.
We both can reflect God.
How cool is that?!
I confess. I am guilty of comparing myself.
I compare myself to *everyone* and I almost always come up short.
[...] sow seeds of malicious hurt. In fact this might be a good way to distinguish a good friend from a frenemy. If they hurt me I can bank on them doing it unintentionally. For instance, I’ve had long [...]
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This is an amazing post and I loved reading every comment.
)
I too compare…and envy…and it ties me in knots.
How wonderful to know I am not alone and that there are steps to take
to get past these tendancies.
Sara,
You are not alone!
And we are all growing to become stronger women who can welcome friends who are as good as we are in the things we care about.
It is possible.
Glad you’re with us in this adventure,
Jonalyn
Sara-
You are definitely not alone. It is so hard not to look around us and only see what we do not have. The funny thing about comparison and envy is that many of the things we want – confidence, momentum, excitement, freedom, happiness, etc. are within our reach. I love your description of being tied in knots…I know many women can relate to that.
Thanks for being a part of our blog and for posting your thoughts!