We were all eating at this small restaurant with a large bar. My guy friend was making eyes at the waitress, my husband was pretending not to notice and I was annoyed.
When the flirting started in earnest, I protested that she was too old for him.
“You’re just jealous,” he said. ”All girls have it in for each other,” he muttered to his other friend at our table.
Catfight, girl-vs-girl, the mommy wars, call it what you like, but we’ve got this reputation that the only thing we hate more than a chauvinist is a gorgeous woman. Men have lots of examples, my friend was about to give me some when I stopped him.
I took a second to pull into my heart and ask myself.
Was I really just jealous of our beautiful waitress? When I thought it through I realized I wasn’t, instead I was annoyed that my friend was making a fool of himself and distracting our waitress from doing her job. I felt that I was on her side more than his, advocating for a professional restaurant environment, wanting to give her a chance to show her competence more than her cleavage.
We were in the middle of a good conversation about the motivations for late term abortion when his nose went up and he sniffed her, “Female!” I wanted to keep talking and I thought I could sense that our waitress was anything but interested.In Mad Men, AMC’s award-winning series centering on workplace dynamics in the 1960′s, the marketing firm tries to sell Playtex bras. The begin assuming each woman wears a bra for a man to notice her. Bras are for men.
They make the same mistake my guy friend made, thinking women are around for men’s benefit, forgetting his waitress had a job to do, just like the men on Mad Men forget the very practical points of bra-wearing for women in and of themselves.
My theory is that most of the girl vs. girl animosity out there begins with this false belief: women are around for men’s benefit. If guys are the prize and your victory with my male friend means my loss, then you are automatically my enemy.
But, if you offer more to this world than a man’s accessory, then you can be more to a woman than her competition.
You can be her friend.
photo credit: webstockpro.com, screenrant.com/mad-men-season-4-premiere-end-date-sandy-55399, downwithsquirrels.blogspot.com/2011/01/great-squirrel-war-beginning.html
Thank you for this! I love the “squirrel” analogy, and you’re in good company with many people who have that impression of this kind of guy behavior. My husband – A GUY – used that exact analogy the other day when disgusted by another man’s unreasonable (i.e. following base urges and not using reason) behavior towards a woman.
Apparently your friend hasn’t met his equal yet, but there is still hope!
there is hope… and we still pray for it.
nice to hear men notice it, too.
I think women do this as well. Our “squirrel”s can be other men, or anything we want.
It always made me feel so loved when a good girlfriend from high school would refuse to let others distract her (no matter their antics) when she was listening to me share something. This is such a gift at big parties!!!
Jonalyn, thank you for this. I think the somewhat general mindset of “all girls have it in for each other” is such a relationship cancer. While in some cases it might be true (I like your thoughts as to the cause of this nasty symptom), it doesn’t have to be the rule under which we women helplessly fall under.
When I first saw you, (as you were walking toward me to introduce yourself) I thought, “wow she’s so beautiful and with such kind eyes”. There was no sense of jealousy. No threat. Just admiration from one woman to another. Had there been any jealousy or competitiveness on either end, there would’ve been little (if any) room for transparency, let alone friendship.
I appreciate this blog, and as I get to know you more, I appreciate who you are.
Amy,
I felt that happiness in meeting you, too. I saw you from afar talking with Dale and the B and A while I kept pushing Finn in circles. I remember praying that I would have a chance to meet you later once Finn fell asleep. And I remember being delighted that you were not self-conscious about your beauty.
The way you entered into hearing from a complete stranger, yes, such a good example that women need not compete. I agree, there is much work to be done to discuss and share and rejoice over the other side of female friendships, the place where our eyes shine in surprise and rest in knowing and being known.
Reminds me of one of my favorite Virginia Woolf lines, “No need to hurry. No need to sparkle. No need to be anyone but oneself.”
Thank you for giving that freedom to other women!
J