“Love” is a word we throw around and use often. We know what it means, but have a hard time describing it. A sticky “love” topic that is often not discussed is whether it is selfish to love yourself. For exactly who you are.
Time Magazine Recent Cover
A fabulous edition of Time Magazine hit stands last week: The Power of Shyness. The issue had a number of articles on extroversion and introversion, two personality characteristics that help us understand who we are and what we are like. In my work as a psychologist, I find many people struggle with “self” questions on a personal, relational and particularly, a spiritual level. Common questions are:
- Is it selfish to love myself?
- Is it okay that I am different from other people?
- Am I okay how I am? Do I need to change?
- How do I embrace my personality, my life experiences, my past, my mistakes, my strengths and weakness?
- How can I love myself and not be seen as selfish or self-absorbed in relationships and friendships?
Relationship With Myself
Just as we have relationships with others, we have a relationship with ourselves. Think about that for a minute – how do you treat yourself?
DO YOU:
- pay attention to how you are feeling?
- speak to yourself with words of encouragement and hope?
- follow your own instincts?
- punish yourself when you make a mistake?
- ask for help when you need it?
Putting The Cart Before The Horse
In friendships we often put the cart before the horse, so to speak. We skip over practicing loving ourselves, and put ourselves in the position to love another person.
We make better friends when we begin by loving and accepting ourselves the way we were made. When we do not first love ourselves, which is often misinterpreted as being selfish, we put other people in the position to respect us, support us and soothe us, when we will not do that for ourselves. We put the cart before the horse.
The reciprocal is true, a friend that does not first love and accept herself puts you in the position for being responsible for “holding her together”. Her well-being is in your hands. A friend like this is often experienced as someone that might be regularly needy, demanding, controlling, self-berating, emotionally reactive and has a low self-esteem.
In a sense, this is saying, “Take care of me, because I am not willing to do it myself.”
Examples: Can You Relate?
I don't want to make waves...
I polled a few friends before writing this post, asking their thoughts on this topic. Here are a few responses I got:
- I am a people pleaser so I often feel people won’t love me if I don’t help/please/fix them. Even if it something isn’t what I want to do or I don’t agree with it, I would generally rather experience the emotions associated with my own discomfort than to feel like I disappointed one of my friends.
- I have a lot of needy friends who I feel like I hold together… one in particular who sent me a text yesterday to “check on me” - my word!!!
- Often my need to be in control is an attempt to relieve anxiety and feel secure, yet often results in frustration or regret. If I was much more secure with myself and at peace with myself, this urge would be less. This bleeds into my relationship with my boyfriend sometimes and recently affected a relationship with one of my best friends as I wanted to feel okay so attempted to control her behavior.
- I don’t follow my instincts a lot of the time because I just want to keep the peace, not hurt feelings, or stir the pot. It’s a lot easier to sacrifice myself than have to manage other peoples’ disappointment in me.
- In an attempt to feel good about who I am, I am starting on a dangerous path when I compare what my friend’s look like, how much they weigh, what kind of job they have, or how big their social circle is. If I really think about it and got honest, it is revealing that by comparing upwards or downwards, something is off with my personal level of acceptance.
- I get jealous of my best friend’s personality, looks and even success of her husband! Not only am I not loving myself well when I listen to the messages of jealousy, but I’m bringing tension an resentment into a friendship that was otherwise ok.
Mole Hills Into Mountains
photo credit: Sally H. Falwell
We often deny our own wants, desires and needs so that we do not hurt feelings, make waves, cause ourselves or others discomfort. This leads to small instances of not being who we really are, small instances of not speaking the truth right away, small instances of doing something I do not really want to do, small instances of swallowing the anger and resentment I feel at myself for not speaking up, and my friend for not being aware or asking.
Not What I Want, When I Want.
When we do not represent ourselves out of fear of what will happen or what the response will be, we deny who we are. This does not mean you speak unkindly, spit nails, act passive-agressively, or demean the other person. It means you are willing to be honest and uncomfortable to get what you really want and value – to be known and valued in a relationship where there is room to be yourself and room to love, know and value the other person.
Part of loving someone else well IS loving yourself first.
SO SO important. I am elated to see you write this! This has been a huge discovery for me. My experience with the church made the idea of loving myself one of selfishness and guilt…it is challenging as we are told to forget ourselves, humble ourselves, be very present to our flaws and sinfulness. At least, for me, that was a consistent message. And though, those are not terrible thing in themselves, all those things led me to feel I was not lovable, not acceptable, hardly forgiveable.
I remember reading a book that parallels the ideas of Carl Jung and Christianity. And Jung talks about the call to “love others as we love ourselves.” This phrase NEVER made sense to me because I didn’t like myself, forget love myself!, I was rather cruel to myself (negative, mean, critical of who I am), and treating others like this didn’t seem like a great idea. However, I didn’t connect until years later, as I read Jung’s words on this, that we are supposed to love ourselves!
Just as I would for a friend, I need to extend the same mercy, grace, forgiveness, patience, gentleness to myself. This was a huge revelation. And one I continue to live in, as I reorient my ideas of my own worth and value and love relationship with God so that the overflow is more acceptance, graciousness and love to my friends.
I think this is really a central issue in people’s lives today, is really knowing they have worth and value, and that they are lovable. As you say, the outflow of not knowing where our worth lies is insecurity and seeking attention, power, affirmation in a million other ways that never satisfy!
C.J –
I am so glad you like this post and wrote in about your experience. Your experience hits the nail on the head – I hear so many stories like this…and can relate myself. I am curious what book you are reading paralleling Jung and Christianity – I would probably eat that up!!
I appreciate what you shared here – thanks for responding to the post.
It’s an older book, I found it in some secondhand bookstore but I’ve enjoyed it. Jung is a favourite thinker of mine and I’ve found him most influential in my journey of knowing God! The book is called “Jung and Christianity: The Challenge of Reconciliation”. It is by Wallace B. Clift. It starts with the basic concepts, then goes into Jung’s contributions to the psychology of religion and finishes with Jung’s challenges to Christianity. I loved it because I learned much from my studies of Jung – not that it’s the be-all end-all – but it really expanded my view of God and myself in a helpful way that I felt the church was almost afraid to tackle. Particularly in how I view my self. I’ve also really benefited from this perspective from Dr. Benner. He wrote two great books that were pivotal in my growth “Surrender to Love” and “Care of Souls”. (I am recently accepted to pursue a graduate degree in Psycotherapy and Spiritual Care, you can see where my interests lie!!
)
C.J.-
Thanks for the recommendations! I am definitely going to look these up. Congratulations on your acceptance to this graduate program. Have a great time with that!
C.J.
I’m so excited for your acceptance into this program. You will be wonderful in this role with others!
Sally, can you recommend any books, or video tape teaching series, or even schools/programs/workshops that specifically deal with low self-esteem, poor body image and rejection? Or, would you rather recommend that a person seek out former counseling to try to heal? I have suffered with such a low self-esteem due to poor body image for so long…I can see where it’s damaging my quality of life and sucking the life out of me. It does not help that I am in an abusive spiritual environment, either. My overall confidence and sense of dreaming and hope has reached a staggering and painful all time LOW.
Anon P,
I’m glad you’ve asked for help. That is a wonderful step. I know Sally will have some great recommendations, but I wanted to share a few:
Telling Secrets by Frederick Buechner is a good exploration of what it means to speak our hidden shame.
Girl Culture by Lauren Greenfield a photography exploration of what it means to be a female in America, specifically, but full of illustrations that helped me face how widespread our insecurity is.
My book, Ruby Slippers, is a good way to see the essential value of a woman’s soul, which helps inform our beliefs about our bodies. I’d recommend it, as well.
I’d also be happy to schedule some time to chat at Ask LIVE! see http://www.soulation.org for more to do a one-on-one session to talk about the spiritual background to insecurity, poor body image and rejection. This would not be a substitute for professional counseling, but could give you some spiritual mentoring and guidance.
Anon P.-
I am sad to say that I wrote out an entire response last night and have yet to see it post. I must rewrite. The good thing is – since then I have thought of another reference or two! Will write up something asap!
Anon P. -
Thanks for writing in with great questions about an issue that is very real for many.
I am personally and professionally a proponent of therapy for healing. Actually, if I can speak for both Jonalyn and I (is that okay J?
), we both find therapy as a viable and worthwhile option for healing the parts of ourselves that reading and “trying” don’t seem to touch. And we are both avid readers of many types of books. My experience is that reading is also a viable and worthwhile option – it can be so helpful to hear another person speak about life, love, faith and healing. So with either of these, I would not do one of the other, but consider opening yourself to both.
I agree with Jonalyn’s recommendations – I really enjoy Buechner and the way he writes about being human. I also get a lot from Henri Nouwen and C.S. Lewis. My guess, no matter what book you read on body image, will lead you to a truth you might already know. Your healing will begin with self-acceptance, which includes whatever shape and size you are…and that beauty is found within. Our culture speaks a lot about this, but remains committed to its honor the small and symmetrical.
I think that connecting with Jonalyn through Soulation is a great idea – she has done a lot of work with spiritual health and also with femininity that might be helpful to you.
As far as reading goes, you could also look at Martin Seligman’s work on positive psychology. “Flourish” is a good one.
Still, any reading you do might push you to “try” different ways of building self-esteem and having a realistic body image. There is a place for this – but if I am reading your questions correctly, you have and are experiencing a lot of pain and hopelessness that really does need your healing attention rather than a to-do list.
Overall, I see no sense in your spending one more moment with dashed hope, dead dreams and beauty that is ignored. The truth for all of us is that we are worthwhile and beautiful just because we are, no matter our efforts to dissect this or deny it. My guess is that you have tried endlesslly…and here you are.
You also might like Brene Browns work – she writes and speaks on being enough, shame and vulnerability. Her new book is called “The Gifts of Imperfection”.
http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/en/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html
If you are new to counseling – I have a small write up on my website about how to find a counselor. I also wrote on loving yourself as a four part series. Below is a link to the second one.
http://legacyacc.com/pursuing-mental-health/how-to-find-a-counselor/
http://legacyacc.com/2012/02/loving-yourself-taking-action-part-2/
I hope these suggestions help! Thanks again for writing in and asking questions.
Sally! Just went to a church ladies’ meeting last night where the speaker talked about how she struggled for years with…learning to like herself. So much negative talk, as in, “I’m too fat/too dumb/too bad a mom etc.” First 35 years of her life she poured negative talk into herself, disbelieving her husband when he gave her compliments, expecting to be fired from her teaching job every day she went in to work, loathing what she perceived as her paltry efforts at parenting. Mind you, this is a woman who is a fabulous teacher, a wonderful people person, a warm-hearted person, a great sense of humor, and a talented woman.
I was dumbfounded. I thought, “Well, I bet not too many people in here are relating to this.” I was so WRONG! Couldn’t believe it. Her talk resonated with many of the women, and some spoke up in front of everyone to say it. Others thanked her afterward and shared something of their struggle with the same thing.
I’m still a bit dumbfounded…it is incredible to me how far down she went into the depth of her self-loathing. INCREDIBLE.
For her, the worm turned when she was 35 and actually started believing that God loved her, unconditionally, and started living that every day.
I’ve just befriended her in the last couple of years; she’s got grown children now; she’s a vibrant, confident, lovely woman. She told me after the talk last night that she still has to manage that negative talk because it has not completely disappeared from her life, though it does not dominate her as it once did.
Incredible. And I just read your article today. Apparently, it’s a very, very important topic to people, and I need to pay better attention to it. Thanks, Sally. I really appreciate your writing on it.
Susan -
Thanks for your response post! It sounds like this meeting was a powerful one for a lot of people! The topic is an interesting one…a sort of silent epidemic in the church. And this woman’s story is not uncommon…women who spend YEARS struggling to see themselves as whole, beautiful,capable. And so many times what shows on the outside is what we think is on the inside – like you described about this woman…fear, doubt and hatred on the inside, despite real skill and warmth, humor and talent.
I am so glad you shared this story…to me it is reflective that the topic is an important one.
I appreciate your adding your comments!
Sally, this was an excellent post. I struggle with this a lot. I do not practice loving myself first a lot of the time. In fact, I forget to most of the time as if it’s not even an option)
Krysta-
I like how you described this…that you forget caring for yourself is even an option. This is a great way to say how so many of us live…for others, yet a bit empty on the inside in some ways. I also like that you said “practice”…this is one of the words I use when I write about “how to” love and care for yourself. It really does take practice.
Thanks for adding this thought to the post – it has given me something to think about!
I lived for a long time with the negative self-talk. I have noticed that when I demean myself, I am more demeaning to others. When I look down on myself, I look down on others.
The more I seek to be all that I need to be as God’s child, the more I am able to be for others what they need. Even if it means doing something difficult, like confronting a friend. Not a task that I enjoy, but one that is sometimes necessary.
So, yes, I believe we can love ourselves without being selfish. After all, Jesus did say that we are to love our neighbors as ourselves.
Jennifer-
Thanks for writing in a response! I am so glad that you added a point about how the way we treat ourselves shows up in how we treat other people. To me, the way I treat myself is a sort of template for my approach to others. Just as you described. And you are right that sometimes being our full selves requires some difficult tasks…confrontation is a great example.
Thanks for adding your thoughts!
Without self love comes need love. With need love comes codependency. With codependency comes a fighting existence. A fight to maintain unhealthy love to fill the hole that should be replace by the love for ourselves.
I can’t imagine how loving yourself could ever be a selfish act. I come from a world where I have to continually work hard for the very thing that your post points out some people are almost embarrassed of doing. It’s a gift. A gift that I am constantly embracing, and as i do, every day is happier and healthier.
A beautiful take on the appropriate love for yourself and for others is C.S Lewis’ The Four Loves. Also Eric Fromm The Art Of Loving (which is quite archaic in parts, but interesting nonetheless).
Hello!
Thanks for a great comment on the Loving Yourself post. I like the links you make between the types of relationships we have – need, codependency, how we exist in relationships.
I have found that people who happen on the freedom to love themselves think like you do – how could it ever be selfish? When done in a healthy respectable way, not demeaning to others, it creates a whole different type of living environment. And you are so right – it is a gift that we can embrace…and the results are hard to argue with.
Lewis’ Four Loves is a great recommendation – was speaking of him with a friend the other day. His writing has a way of making a topic accessible but also profound. Thanks also for the reminder of Fromm’s work – sometimes archaic works get lost in time, but I have found still have such merit and good reminders that we do not need to reinvent the wheel. I think this about books like “I’m Okay, You’re Okay” (Harris) and “The Games People Play” (Berne). While both have been refreshed, they were published awhile ago and are full of substance.
Blessings, happiness & health in your daily “work” of loving yourself!
Thanks for commenting – -
Funny you mention “I’m Okay, You’re Okay” and “The Games People Play”, because those both are at the top of the stack as ‘next to read’ next to my desk.
Learning that unconditional love really doesn’t come from anywhere except within, or God, or however one perceives that recognition for yourself, is a hard pill to swallow, and even harder to take effect. But i personally believe that once one starts to adopt this approach to Love, the Love we do share with another person is a lot deeper and genuine. Based on want. Wanting to care for someone deeply. Wanting to Love someone deeply. Wanting to Love someone emotionally and intimately.
If a relationship breaks down, or a partner dies, then that unconditional Love one felt would not exist anymore. Nor would the place you focused the gift of unconditional love. Then we are left with a hole that was once filled by another person.
If we fill that hole ourselves, or attempt to, then our Love for another person should (one hopes) be free to Love genuinely and deeply, without a subconscious fear of emptiness if it were to leave us and thus needing the relationship or object of our Love. If only it were so easy to do as to say.
For my own self, someone who pins happiness on other Love for and from other people, i now understand that this was an unhealthy approach. Through much work i am trying to understand and exercise what i mention above. I have to believe in it to build healthier and equal relationships. So far this new approach seems to be keeping me in a safer and happier place.
[...] Comments « Is It Selfish To Love Yourself? (And Not Just Say That You Do?) [...]
[...] If I am moving out of a demanding friendship, I can remember that new friends await me. Not all women are demanding, not all women require that you be other than you are. A genuine friendship is quite valuable and requires effort, openness and patience, and sometimes as an adult the task seems much more daunting than it did on the first day of second grade. I might also need time to heal, and getting support is always an option. Confronting myself can be as challenging as confronting someone else, but the rewards are indescribable and my relationships reap the benefits of how I take care of myself. [...]