Last year I wrote about stitching the cloth of friendship. I want to re-visit some of these threads and push them a little deeper.
For the full conversation, take a moment to re-visit The Recipe for a Good Friendship.
In the comments one reader asked about self-aware-ness, how was it valuable to friendship and what exactly made it good.
Good Self-Awareness
How is self-awareness richer than deep breathing and mat work at a gym?
Photo credit:yogaworldtours.com
Self-awareness is actually a vital ingredient in authentic friendships. Self-awareness is the fuel that powers humble people, those women we’re all drawn to because of their ability to be simply, themselves, no more, no less.
Self-awareness begins with an accurate assessment of who we are, what we can offer, what we can be and what we cannot be.
Self-awareness is precisely the reason most friendships don’t last a lifetime. The more we know about ourselves the more we come to realize our current friends simply don’t know or don’t want to know us.
Not Who I Was
Bee and I used to connect over mocking feminism, now I’m a feminist. What do I do?
In high school Lauren and I played sports together, now we don’t even live in the same town. How can we connect when we don’t have much to connect about anymore?
Ana has kids my age and lives in my town, but we don’t have more to talk about than our kids. Is our friendship worth pursuing?
If friendship requires connection points, and the more points we connect the more close we can be (for more see The Recipe for a Good Friendship), then how are you connecting with your friends?
Are these authentic connections?
Or do you long for more?
If I’ve been faking (so as not to hurt feelings) my interest in knitting club, but then I grow to realize I’d rather watch The Office and make cookies during that time, my knitting friends don’t really know me.
Photo credit:unappreciatedknitter.blogspot.com
By skipping knitting club I’m being more Jonalyn, than by going and making everyone happy. Of course, skipping out on groups that expect you bring up another barrel of issues.
What about hurting their feelings?
Faithfulness
And isn’t friendship about working hard when then going gets tough?
Sally and I are big proponents of sticking it out when friendship is hard. We recently got a chance to practice this with each other.
We all want to be faithful friends, but faithful to what?
Faithful to each other
and
faithful to who we really are.
With a masters degree in ethics, and a firm knowledge of Scripture, I think doing the right things is very important. But as my therapist once said, “Most of life isn’t black and white, right or wrong. We know a few moral commands (think 10 Commandments), but most of life we make decisions with complete freedom from God.”
God says, “You get to choose and remain faithful not to what others expect out of you, but to what I put in you.”
Self-Aware of God’s Ingredients
What did God put in you? What if you were free to find out?
If you want to go or not go to knitting (or any other) club?
To forego the playmate when I really don’t connect with her.
To leave the church because I am more fake than known.
To stop attending that group because I simply bores or exhausts me.
We do too many things because we think they’re “moral issues” when God has said, “You are free.”
So what could you do that would make you more the person God created?
What do you need to stop doing?
What friendships do you know won’t last a lifetime? and for good reason?
Sally writes well on how making changes with our friends involves both kindness and compassion, not simply dropping off the face of the earth. For more about transitioning check out her P.S. What I Haven’t Said.
Regardless, being self-aware in order to become more of who you are will require more work, but it will make you more free.
And this world needs you, the faithful you, the one God made.
Jonalyn,
I’m excited about this post this morning. I have spent so much time thinking (and worrying) about this very topic in a couple of my friendships. I’m encouraged by the idea that Christ makes us free to be who we are (as He created us) and that means we don’t have to be bound to other expectations or the need to do the “right” thing if that isn’t really a command. Still, I’m struggling with knowing how to possibly “end” a friendship when I realize it has stopped. We became friends in college, we had several things in common (surface-level), but we also talked on a deeper level about our lives. After we graduated, we went back to our places in life and things shifted. For the past couple of years, it’s been hard to be her friend. While we may still enjoy some of the same hobbies, we share very few values, I have a hard time relating to her and what she chooses in life, and (on maybe a more selfish level), I never feel completely accepted by her–it’s rarely a mutual conversation. I measure it against my other friendships and there are few (if any) similarities. But there’s still pressure every now and then to “catch up.” For one thing, it feels so awkward to just cut the ties and never speak again! Here is my dilemma: I feel like I’ve tried to be a faithful friend, put hard work into loving and accepting, but I still feel discouraged, taken advantage of, and empty on my end. However, knowing that she doesn’t have other friends who know Christ and who will share the gospel of grace and love with her daily, do I have a responsibility to be that in her life? Sorry for the long story! Your words are a great encouragement and challenge–but I also love the freedom they bring!
Martha-
Thanks for adding a comment! You added your comment to Jonalyn, but as co-authors, we often throw in additional thoughts on each other’s posts. Here are mine…
I appreciate your adding your story and that you are thinking over some of what friendships require of us. You reiterate Jonalyn’s point that we are free in Christ to be who we are – this is actually quite challenging. Female friendships give us a great working place for loving ourselves and others, and constantly offer us chances to be self-aware – and act on that self-awareness. (Thanks for Jonalyn for highlighting how big a role self-awareness plays in successful friendships).
When I read your comment and what you are considering about ending a friendship, it does seem like you are in the middle of a challenging situation. Mulling this over, I keep coming back to seasons. We have written about the seasonal aspect of friendships a few times. There is such beauty in seasons, but they are also hard to embrace. On the human level, it is particularly difficult to embrace seasons because they represent change (amongst other things) – something most of us have a hard time welcoming. For some reason, there is a tendency to drag things out where a relationship, a commitment, a group, a project, etc. is concerned and we end up existing in something that might have breathed its last awhile ago…and then we keep trying to get something out of it.
To me, you have answered your own question in what you wrote. The desire, the pull, the pleasantness of this relationship is not there. Maybe a season has passed for the two of you? You ask a great question that has spiritual elements to it, are we obligated as Christians to remain in relationships? My answer to that would be no. To me, you represent Christ best when you are yourself…the self that is done with this relationship, not wanting to be motivated by small pangs of guilt. Sometimes I think we underestimate the beauty in letting a relationship go, as if we offer it to move down a river and grow in a new and different place. And we can still wish that person greatness, wonder, growth and newness.
Considering searching our posts if you are interested in reading more. One of our categories is “seasons”. We also write about “break-ups”. Awhile back I wrote a post of “Target Practice” – addressing that we can have all different kinds of friendships. Jonalyn recently wrote a post on “Poor Foundations For A Friendship” – that would be a good read as well.
Thanks again for taking the time to comment and be a part of our site.
Thanks for replying, Sally! The more I think about the concept of seasons, the more I understand it. After all, God has put seasons and other rhythms into place–days, fall/winter/spring/summer, other cycles of growth and change. You’re right–I find myself fighting change and so I drag something out. What really struck me was your comment about not being motivated by guilt. That makes so much sense. I think my perspective can change on how I look at a friendship that is ending. I’m going to look for the beauty you mentioned in letting a relationship go, change, move on, etc. And I’ll be reading previous posts as well!
Really enjoying the back and forth here between Martha’s very honest question and Sally’s feedback!
I agree that seasons are important in terms of living well. Even Jesus let people go, the rich man who could not sell all he had, for instance.
There is something terribly attractive about trying to be a light to someone we see as in the darkness. Couple that with a few Bible passages and you’ve got a rich cake of guilt. However, I don’t like anyone to keep up a friendship with me if it’s out of guilt or obligation or mission work.
So in light of the command Jesus gave, loving others as ourselves, I’d say you have full freedom to release this friend in this season.
Makes me think of Ecc 3:2ff. Id love to know how it turns out.
Martha-
Seasons are an interesting concept – one I have been thinking about a lot recently. I love that you use the word rhythms. We see that within a day, a week, a month, how the year is broken into quarters, how the seasons change – sometimes with strong and forceful movements, sometimes swaying back and forth as if trying to make a choice.
I agree – there is much to be said about perspective. How you see things, and the lens you see it through makes all the difference in the world. Sometimes changing perspective is seasonal too – living with one way of seeing things and then moving into another…as we age this often includes seeing things more broadly, more gently, with a bit of tiredness that allows us to long for newness and change.
So glad you are a part of our blog and we appreciate your comments. My best to you as you move between seasons, think about things, wiggle (or land) into a new perspective. My best to your friend too.
Great insight here, Jonalyn. I have dealt with this a lot recently. There is always the question of who I am, who I want to be and what I want/stand for for vs. what people expect of me/need from me. I struggle with where the line is of my self-awareness and what I need vs. what friends need from me. Often, they are not the same.
Krysta,
I agree. For me it helps to admit I want something different, even just to myself and a safe friend.
Last night a friend and I talked about how safety is so rare and so delightful and so precious in girl friends. As one of my friends in town says, “Jonalyn I dont want you to have to be constantly editing with me.” It’s become precious to me that she lets me be me!
Krysta-
I love how you say that there is always the question…that is a great way to put what is constantly before us as we seek a balance in loving ourselves and loving others. Especially when loving others means ending a friendship, changing things in a friendship, speaking up, honoring myself in what instincts and self-awareness tells me about how I want to spend my time, who I want to be with (even if the answer is: myself!).
I wish there was a line clearly indicates “do this” or “do that”, but I have found this rarely to be true – but wouldn’t it be easier!!!
Without that clear line – we do have to engage more with self-awareness and in the freedom Jonalyn talks about – doing our best based on who we are, not based on other people, society’s expectations or religious “dos and don’ts list”.
Thanks for adding your thoughts!!
I tried the link, “PS, what I haven’t said… it said Page Not Found. -thanks.
Thanks, April. I’ll look into it. Feel free to search above right with any words from the title to find it in the meantime.
Link is fixed!
Thanks J!
Thanks!
How can I learn more about ‘self awareness’? Also, I’m looking into ‘conflict resolution’. ie. How to stay ‘calm’ when it seems that a frienship is indeed fizzling out. Any suggestions or insights welcome.
Hi Sara,
Glad you’re asking.
A book that helps address staying calm, self awareness and conflict resolution is The Dance of Anger by Herriot Learner. I highly recommend!
Self Awareness is something I’ve written about at RubySlippers, my blog on women, sexuality and spirituality. I did a search on “self awareness” and got this here: http://letmebeme1.wordpress.com/category/responsibilities/saying-no/
You might also look at Sally’s site for psychology, Legacy.
Conflict resolution is a great topic. In terms of staying, I clicked on our category “Saying no” just to see what came up: http://letmebeme1.wordpress.com/category/responsibilities/saying-no/
This will get you started.
Your interest makes me wonder if you’re looking more for books or most posts here? Or maybe just a few tips in the comments? Let us know how we can help you better!
Glad you wrote,
Jonalyn
Sara-
I feel like I just found the biggest egg on the Easter Egg Hunt – a psychologist asked about self-awareness! So here I am, giddy and rubbing my hands together as I prepare to answer!!
To me, you are asking about three different things:
1) conflict resolution
2) a dying or changing friendship
3) self-awareness
Conflict is a catalyst to many things – change, growth, closeness, understanding, distance, breaking-up, closing-up, etc. It usually depends on the two people and where they want to go in a friendship. Relationships are like pressure cookers, when two people are in a relationship of some closeness, challenges will surface. Some people are okay with this, some run for the hills. When we are subject to pressure, our true colors show.
Jonalyn’s post brings up some great points about how we can be self-aware but not move in that self-awareness. Most people are pretty intuitive – they know when their feelings have been hurt, that they feel sad, angry, happy, confused, etc. They know that something is wrong when something is wrong. Doing something about it is a different story…and can be revealing in self-awareness too (e.g. I see that I act this way, but I am too afraid to do anything about it. What does that mean for me? About me?). Secondly, the other side of the coin is learning how others experience you – this increases self-awareness. This calls for bravery…hearing about yourself from others. This usually goes best when you are hearing things about yourself from within trusting, safe relationships – it cuts down on the amount of defensiveness we bring to the table.
A dying or changing friendship – I do not know the details of your situation, but can say that this is a normal situation, but one that many women do not welcome. We usually want all of our relationships to work out because that means we are stable, loving, good, accepted, and so on. However, this prevents our relationships from having seasons or growing as we grow. It could be that the situation that you are in is one that will encourage the two of you to get through something, growing and changing in your friendship, or it might be a place where you part ways.
These are a few posts I found that might hit on what you are interested in:
http://letmebeme1.wordpress.com/2011/04/06/dead-end/
http://letmebeme1.wordpress.com/2011/02/22/ready-shoot-aim-confronting-friends-without-losing-them/
http://letmebeme1.wordpress.com/2010/11/20/target-practice-hitting-a-bullseye-in-friendship/
Thanks for your comment and questions.
Here’s a little hand squeeze from both me and Jonalyn…:)
Hello, I came across your blog by chance an, while I don’t usually do things like this, I thought I’d ask you ladies for advice since you seem to be two wise Christian women.
I moved overseas 5 years ago and had to start over. I lost touch with most of the friends I grew up with in the U.S. so I’ve come to easily accept that to every (friend) there is a season and have only managed to build one strong relationship with a girlfriend who lives a few hours away so we only catch up maybe once a month.
I’ve noticed a pattern to my friendships here; I start friendships with great enthusiasm but find that they end with as much enthusiasm within 6 months to a year. I am married with a baby on the way, but all the women I know my age are still single and all the married women I know are about 6-10 years older than me with multiple children. The single friends can be very demanding for my time, texting me every single day and wanting to go out every weekend. I try to encourage them to text less often by not responding to texts til the next day or making excuses not to go out….when really what I want to say is “you’re smothering me!” but of course they get the impression that I’m a flakey wishy washy friend and just stop calling after a while.
I think maybe because my closest friends and family are long distance and we don’t catch up very often it has inadvertently redefined my ideal of friendship. I only need to hear from them maybe once a week, go for coffee every couple weeks and catch up, that’s my ideal friend. Is that ok? How is it possible to make this clear from the beginning when I meet someone that I don’t like to text 24/7 and like to spend most weekend evenings with my husband rather than at the pub? I cant think of any way to discuss this but also don’t want my friends to think I don’t like them just because I’m feeling claustrophobic.
Thanks for any insight, even if it’s to tell me my ideals are completely unrealistic
Mel,
I’m so glad you happened to find us. This an honest and very good question.
My thoughts are that your expectations and hopes for what you want in a friend are not unrealistic as they correspond with the life season you are in (married with a little one coming soon). That said, you may be narrowing your opportunity to connect with some women who do want to connect with you more often. Personality differences can affect this (introvert/extrovert) Sally can speak into this, too. If you have a good friend, chances are you want to see/connect with them more. Sally and I went through a similar situation in our friendship. I realized I was making her feel scheduled into my life instead of available to be present with her on a more regular basis. We’re still working on being open about our hopes for our friendship.
Perhaps some good phrases for opening up a more honest explanation with your friends would help. Then, they might feel more open to share what they need. Then you can talk about what you’d both like and come to a win-win situation.
Here are a few that work for me, but I recommend you think about a way to customize them for you and your personality and needs. The principle of sharing your feelings and hopes, rather than blaming or commanding your friends, is a good way to start.
Ex. 1 “I’ve noticed that I haven’t been doing a good job at responding to your texts. I think it would help me to share something that has been going on in my life so I don’t come across as so flakey. My time with my husband has become more precious to me and I’m trying to be present with him. I think it would help me to share I’m trying to text less, but I still want to connect with you. Do you think we could plan a coffee date every other week?”
Ex. 2 “I’m feeling overwhelmed with life in general and since I’m more introverted I’ve lately realized I need more alone time. I wanted you to know so you don’t think I’m ignoring your texts or invitations to coffee. Maybe we could plan to do something every other week? What do you think?”
I hope these help get your started!
Hi Mel-
I am sorry for a delayed reply! I am so glad you found our blog – your questions are just the reason we write about what we do. Thanks for taking the chance!
First, congratulations on your “one on the way”!
Second, – I do not think you are unrealistic. Your experience with friendships sounds quite normal, and what many women experience as life becomes more dynamic with moves, marriage, pregnancy and other things that begin to make us different from one another.
We do write about seasonal friendships and Jonalyn and I both believe that this is a real element of female friendship – that some women pass in and out of our lives (and we theirs) based on age, life experience, current situation, a change in beliefs, desires, goals, etc.
From your comments, it sounds like a mix of things. I think you are seeing your personality come out in friendships – how often you like to be with people, respond to them, enjoy time out. This is not something that is right or wrong, it just is who you beautifully are. Love that person, take care of her, enjoy her. This is a more introverted style -to which I can relate!
Your ideal might be changing. To me, that comes with age and experience. I do not doubt that you enjoy evenings with your husband and that is absolutely fabulous…as I said, I can relate. My husband is an off the charts extrovert…and I really enjoy my time time with him…he is plenty of “people” for me! So yes, it is more than okay. I hope that you are not lowering the bar though, based on the time that can go between interactions with friends. I don’t want to read into your post, but a bit of loneliness hangs on the words.
Another thing Jonalyn and I write about is honesty in friendships – and I think we would both encourage you to take steps to tell friends – graciously – what you are thinking and feeling. By putting off texting and making up excuses, you kind of shoot yourself in the foot because as you said, you come to be known as flaky and wishy-washy. Which is probably not who you are. To me, Mel, the truth is that a real friend won’t want to smother you, especially if she can understand who you are, what you want from a friendship. She will want to love you just as you are and get together when you want to.
These types of friends are rare finds, and to find a rare find, we have to be available. I think it depends on the type of friend you want – what is part of your new ideal.
Here are a few links to posts we have written that you might like to look at. Our posts go up as a theme, so if I have written one, Jonalyn’s take on the topic appears two posts later.
personality in friendship
http://letmebeme1.wordpress.com/2012/01/04/shes-not-my-type/
different types of friends
http://letmebeme1.wordpress.com/2010/11/20/target-practice-hitting-a-bullseye-in-friendship/
balance in friendship
http://letmebeme1.wordpress.com/2012/02/21/poor-foundations-for-a-friendship/
Mel – Thanks again for your comments. Would love to hear about how things develop for you!
Sally