In third grade the most popular girl in school invited me to go to Disneyland with her.
We got to take off school. We were in heaven.
Photo credit: socal.catholic.org
I wore a pair of flowered pants that I thought were pretty. My friend wore spandex pants that looked really good on her legs. A long slouchyT-shirt came over the top, tied at her hip.
Then entire day she kept looking at me and saying things like, “Can you pull your pants up, they’re so baggy.”
I tried, but seriously, baggy pants are hard to find.
I couldn’t tell her my mom wouldn’t let me out of the house in spandex.
I couldn’t very well defend my choice as the best pair of pants for the occasion.
I just sort of slunk around in my bagginess.
On the way home I felt pretty ambivalent toward my friend. Why did she invite me if she was going to spend the whole day telling me how embarrassing I looked to her?
I guess she didn’t realize my behind-the-times wardrobe since we, mercifully, wore uniforms to school.
Disneyland wasn’t as fun as I had hoped it would be. And our friendship sort of fizzled after that.
She took someone else with her to Disneyland the next year.
Photo credit: stylehive.com
I never convinced my mom to buy spandex.
Thank goodness for the uniforms.
The times a friend has corrected me live eternal in my memory.
There were my closest friends who once all told me to stop being so bossy.
They were right.
There was my third grade friend who wanted me to get with the spandex fashion.
She was wrong.
There was my husband, yesterday, who told me he felt like my voice was too stern for the situation.
He was right.
How to give your opinion?
A few tips I’ve picked up along the way.
Do not . . .
- offer advice or correction when you’re not invested in the friendship long-term.
- ask your friend to change something she cannot currently change whether because of finances, family upbringing or personal courage.
- require your friend to take your advice after offering it.
- assume you know what it’s like for her before speaking into her life. For example take time to investigate the feelings of a stay-at-home-mother before critiquing or broadly summarizing their lives in public or in private.
Do
- share if an outfit looks unflattering with your friends who are safe and long-term, with whom you have both received and given suggestions and advice on fashion. This is especially true if they ask you for your honest opinion about their clothes.
- explain the thing that bothers you about a friend when it personally tramples you. For instance, if a friend has hurt you it is appropriate to share this with them, most particularly if they have indicated their openness and safety to listen.
- pray about the things that bother you to determine if it’s your issue or theirs. Consider using these phrases to share if you’re not certain, “I have a problem, I feel confused, left out, etc. . . ” or “I’m not sure what to do right now, I feel (fill in emotion word here). . .”
Overall, it’s a good rule of thumb to avoid fixer-uper friendships.
Photo credit: http://www.uglyhousephotos.com
I do not feel flattered or loved when I find out my friends have taken me under their wing to fix my fashion or my habits or my career choice.
I want friends who see me and say, “Oooh, I like that girl” (Thanks, Molly Aley) because of someone I already am.
When I’m believed in and loved, and know it, I can hear almost any correction.
Do you agree?
Yes, words like those can be so permanently cutting, and yet so empty. Motherhood is a blessing because it weeds away anything but the necessary flowers in my life – I no longer stress about what to wear or if I’m invited somewhere. Instead I notice that my children said “I love you” and asked me to snuggle. Now that’s pretty close to heaven.
Mandy,
It is sweet when our little ones see us and aren’t worried about how we look.
What I long for in friends is someone who can let me be myself in the way I look, whether dressed to paint the town red or in sweats and tee. I love the way women can appreciate each other’s capacities for variety in our dress… and who we find can add to the flowers in our life.
I have a hard time receiving comments… I struggle with anxiety, so I often end up chalking it up to me simply taking something too personal. Most recently, yesterday (I am a navy wife who’s husband is gone for 7 months now and I have 2 kids in elementary school) … a friend who is not a very close friend, but we do talk most days when picking up our kids at the school, small talk mostly… well, she said something to me that I thought was quite insensitive. We were sitting, me, her and 2 other moms, on a bench watching the kids run around on the monkey bars. She said that she would like a bike rack that has a hitch to attach to the back of your car, I told her we have one and I would like to use it but my husband has always taken care of that and it is very heavy. I said I don’t feel confident attempting it myself while he is gone. She said to me “Oh, stop accting so helpless” (last week I mentioned to her that I was tired lately and my son was not doing baseball while dad is away…
I felt very hurt and she could tell. Honestly I had a long day of simply missing my husband. She and the other women turned to me … She offered me hugs and said “I was just kidding…” but, I didn’t want her hugs or her defending her insensitive joke. I just wanted a simple “I’m sorry” and I wanted to go home… I didn’t accept her hug and she walked off saying “Wow, I feel horrible in a sort of condescending tone as if it was my fault that she felt bad for saying what she said to me..” After she left one of the other moms said to me, “You didn’t take that personally, did you?”
So, I want to ask…. Was I in the wrong for feeling hurt by the comment … was it not as insensitive as it sounded to me? And why did noone take responsibility for it, why did they seem more interested in why I took something personally and how I shouldn’t do that?
I know they are not responsible for my feelings… but why not simply say Í see that you are hurt and I am sorry. That’s it. No defending what was said, just a simple I am sorry. There is so much power in those two words and then silence. Done. Compassion, not explaination.
Thoughst? Thanks.
also, what could I say in the future when a comment stings, but I want to respect that person and not sting them back? How can I be kind in response and keep my composure. It’s hard. Thanks!
April,
Great question you wrote above… I’m sorry you felt alone in missing your husband. It’s quite possible that your friend is not comfortable with your feelings. It sounds like she may be more interested in getting you to be mighty superwoman than sit beside you in your grief of separation.
It’s good to keep that many women cannot go to the hard places with us, so few women know how to let their friends hurt. When you find a friend who can… you’ve found a keeper!
I think Dr. Sal will be able to give some good feedback here, but for now, let me give a few thoughts.
First, our feelings are rarely right or wrong, rather they tell us more about ourselves. Instead of trying to label your feeling hurt as a good or bad thing, take a second and step back. Ask yourself
Why did her words hurt you?
Do you think she was trying to say something that wasn’t mean to be hurtful? if so what could that possible be?
Do you think she meant her words to be hurtful? or was she trying to maybe complement you, like you’re more capable than you think?
I agree that this friend does not sound very sensitive. I also think it makes sense to be hurt by what she said.
Second, a few ways to respond, IF she’s safe (which I’m not sure of) “Ouch, that really hurt me.”
if she’s not safe,
“Can you help me know what you meant by that?”
or
“I’m sure you’re not meaning to hurt me, but can you elaborate a little more?”
April -
Thanks for writing in – you tell a great story here, well, great as in I think you are not alone. I am sorry you had to experience this – no fun. Three cheers for you being an Navy wife whose husband is gone. I used to live in Williamsburg, VA near Norfolk Naval Base – and also worked at the Dallas VA Hospital…military husbands and wives deserve a wink and a thumbs up every day.
Man – what a day on the playground. I am so glad you wrote about this. After I read your post I closed my eyes and tried to imagine you hearing those words and absorbing them into your already tender heart. Ouch. In a small moment of connection you showed a bit of vulnerability and got back the unexpected.
I think you make a great point about wanting an apology. No, I don’t think that is unreasonable, but holding onto that might be. Will you ever get a good apology? Who knows.
Can you feel this, work through it and then let it go?
I don’t think we are ever wrong to have hurt feelings…and I second Jonalyn in that are feelings are not right or wrong (although, we are often taught they are meant to be minimized and that we should be quite suspicious of what they tell us). If at all, give yourself the room to just be yourself, hurt by hurtful words, without “shoulding” whether this is legitimate pain.
In general, for most people, apologies are precious gems that we hand over reluctantly and begrudgingly. On top of that, many people do not know how to apologize, so they end up offering a counterfeit apology that allows them to save a little face and still attend to the issue – it sounds like you got one of these – a hug (to reestablish connection) and a pseudo recognition (I was kidding). This is very common because it feels better than one of the best forms of apology I know of – “I am sorry. Will you forgive me?” You are right about an apology being so simple…yet…it is the one thing that is often most wanted but left unsaid.
The responsibility element is another common situation – one that reflects how hard it is for us to sit with someone’s pain, no matter the cause of the pain. Instead, we often work around pain and try to put it in a more manageable place…this often gets translated as “You shouldn’t feel that way.” (e.g. You didn’t take that personally, did you?”)
You are wise to know that they are not responsible for your feelings. Sure, you might have to heal from this situation and may never get what you want from this woman. Ironically, one of the best ways to move forward in love and grace is to forgive…and one way to begin that process is to empathize. What was going on with her? What might have caused her to say that? Could she have been missing her husband? Is this the third time this week that she has hurt another person? Does she have a knack for saying the exact wrong thing? While empathizing is often the thing we feel least like doing, it is often the thing that opens us up to letting go of some of what feels like good anger.
One good thing to remember is that it does not have to be right or wrong. She was wrong, you were right. It was a situation with two people in it – two people who bring two personalities, two histories, two separate days (one full of missing a husband), two moms of kids, two sets of insecurities, dreams, hopes, desires, mistakes, emotions, thinking-styles. A lot can happen in all of that – and a statement that is rude one day is the straw broke your heart’s back the next day.
April, I hope that your next day at the park is a good one. And here’s a wink and a thumbs up from two writers at Let Me Be Me.
Here are a few posts that you might like just in case:
http://letmebeme1.wordpress.com/2011/08/03/forgiveness-and-unforgiveness-in-friendships/
http://letmebeme1.wordpress.com/2011/02/01/is-honesty-the-best-policy/
http://letmebeme1.wordpress.com/2011/04/19/childhood-vows-of-friendship/
http://letmebeme1.wordpress.com/2012/04/03/friendships-and-expectations/
I understand what both of you are saying and appreciate the points you’ve made here. Thanks so much for taking the time to help. I think the anxiety seems to block my reasoning “in the moment” so I want to learn to count to 5 slowly or something to mentally and literally calm myself down so that I won’t get hyped up or overly emotional.
To answer a few of your questions… Knowing my friend, I do not think she meant to hurt me, but she is very much more assertive than I and she very well may see me as acting hopeless, but that is okay, I want to get to the point where it does not matter what someone thinks of me. I also think I have a tendancy to be a “doormat” in many ways and others seem to see a green light with me to say whatever they feel like saying then they are truly surprised if I stand up for myself in the slightest way. If I think of more I’ll come back here and add some thoughts…. I think the problem is self. Selfishness. She was thinking of herself, even to the point of defending herself and acting like it odd that I was upset, I became her one more thing she needed to fix in that moment and that was annoying to her – the attempt at a hug was very cold and insincere. Also, I was thinking of me only when I wanted an apology, and thought I couldn’t believe noone saw my point of view…
So- It would help me tremendously to think of the other person as you said. Thanks again… I’m blown away at the length of your replies, you truly care!! So appreciate that.