We’ve been watching a lot of Winnie-the-Pooh lately. Throughout this 2011 movie, Pooh must struggle to help his friends or feed his rumbling tummy. Piglet makes the decision easy.
Piglet offers to reach into a swarming hive to get Pooh some honey.
When Pooh suggests catapulting Piglet up into the hive, head first, Piglet says the most unbelievable line, “Well, I’m sure you’ve thought this through Pooh.”
He then steps bravely to the board and Pooh teeter-totters him splat into the hive.
Pooh doesn’t apologize, instead Piglet calls out from inside the hive, “I’m sorry I messed up the plan, Pooh.”
Pooh is busy trying to find a large branch to bat the hive off the tree, meanwhile Piglet says, “The bees are really quite friendly as long as I don’t make any sudden movements.”
Then, Wack! Pooh batters the hive to the ground as Piglet genuinely asks, “Are you sure that’s a good idea, Pooh?”
Pooh reassures Piglet it is.
Piglet and Pooh remind me of myself. I can be the self-assured bossy Pooh who uses his friends to get what he wants and the naive and easily persuaded Piglet who sacrifices his personal safety and intelligence to to give his friends what they want.
The over-apologizing is something I did just today at the store, apologizing to people for their inattentiveness, apologizing when someone had to help me figure out the dog food I needed (I mean, come on, Jonalyn, it was their job!).
Next thing you know I’ll be apologizing when someone trips me.
Do you know what causes this abundance of apologies?
The belief that I’m responsible for other people’s feelings or actions.
By apologizing to the person who put my head in the bee hive I’m forgetting the one person I do have responsibility over: myself.
What about you, have you ever apologized to someone for their mistake?
or gotten into a sticky situation to help someone else get something they could have reached by themselves?
Good post, Jonalyn! I just cringe for Piglet when I realize what is about to happen and that he may be over-trusting his friend, Pooh. Poor thing! I find myself doing the same thing because, like you said, I\’ll take responsibility for other\’s actions or feelings. For me, this links to Sally\’s post on the Demanding Friend who makes you responsible for how she feels or is unkind when you don\’t meet all of her expectations. I am guilty of allowing people to control me with the way they speak, the mood they portray, etc. And because it makes me feel so uncomfortable to think that someone else might be upset with me, I work really hard to come up with a plan to make things right, even when I know in my heart the problem isn\’t my own. It seems like a vicious cycle because I\’ll even recognize that I\’m upset with myself for being upset about the way they are treating me; I feel guilty that I\’ve fallen prey to their cheap guilt. It makes me realize that I\’d rather deal with the discomfort of someone else being unfair than twist myself up in knots to please them, and ultimately being disappointed that I wasn\’t truthful from the beginning. I don\’t think Pooh and Piglet are quite so calculated as some of the situations I\’ve been in, but the principle is working itself out in their own sticky situation.
Thanks for making this concept of codependency easier to understand – and I guess I should thank Pooh and Piglet as well! In this account I relate to how simple life is for Piglet, no need to take initiative or make hard decisions, just react to Pooh and try to make him happy. If Pooh’s not happy, neither am I but at least I am nobly trying. If Pooh is happy, oh joy! To be responsible for self involves so much more risk…but I think it’s worth it.
Profound point here, Robin. Life is simpler when we rest our joy or sadness on someone else: simpler, but less chance of being appropriately human.