Where Did She Go?
The Let Me Be Me “Tough Cookies” summer series continues! So far we have heard about The Unaware Friend and The Demanding Friend. This week – The Disappearing Friend. She was there, and now she is not.
We have all performed our own disappearing acts in friendships, even if it is just removing your real self or your emotional self. Or you might have removed your attention, your response or your interest. We can disappear in many forms and fashions, not just physically.
There are a few situations that might set the stage for a friend to disappear.
Someone “Better” Comes Along
Wow, this one can hurt. Many of us might have experienced this as early as the elementary school playground and into adulthood. Somehow, a good friend leaves you for someone else. This might happen on the heals of an argument or disagreement, or it might be how a certain woman functions…simply hopping from friendship to friendship, into the next relationship that allows her to exist without challenge or depth.
Shame
While we often do our best to present ourselves as healthy, happy and stable to the world, our circumstances can get the best of us. When there are issues of chemical dependance, mental health issues like depression, anxiety or bipolar disorder, or other health diagnoses, a friend can easily disappear.
One friend that is now both sober (alcohol) and clean (drugs) told me, “The fear of discovery was overwhelming. If I showed who I really was, even to my closest friends, I was facing utter shame. My closest friends became alcohol and my drug of choice (Adderall). Love and acceptance – those were to harsh for me – how could anyone love me…this mess? I had to disappear, because struggling alone was preferable – it justified my disappearance, allowed me to treat myself with shame and disrespect and allowed me to keep using.”
It doesn’t take alcohol or drugs to be ashamed – as women we can, at our core, believe we are not “enough”, that others are better. Shame can result from poor decisions, low self-esteem, being different from others around us.
Boredom
Sort of like having the next new thing, women can “friend hop” out of boredom. Almost like the emotional high we get when first in love, discovering similarities and filling a schedule with a new best friend can be exciting…until a relationship reaches a maintenance stage.
Where’s My Protege?
Friendships based on “filling a space” rarely stand the test of time. Some women cultivate friendships so that they can care for, be needed and nurture other women, but there are also times when women want a faithful clone. In this type of relationship it takes two to tango, and when the protege seeks some type of differentiation, the glue for the relationship begins to break down.
It can feel so good to have a number of similarities with someone, constant affirmation of who you are and the choices you make. All relationships, romantic and plutonic, all eventually face their own challenges, and a Protege Relationship is one that does not withstand differences, growth or change.
A friend, let’s call her Suzanne, recently told me that after removing herself as a protege/sidekick, “I knew something was off, but I had a hard time trusting my instincts! When I wanted to do a few things on my own, or say no to something she offered, the relationships began to fall apart. On this side of it, though, I have to consider why I landed in a friendship like that in the first place.”
Stop, Look and Learn
Photo Credit: Life Magazine Albert Einstein
Relationships are difficult; we hurt and get hurt. After making a mistake, or misjudging someone’s interest in us, we have the chance to learn a bit about why we entered a friendship in the first place and how we can be healthier and wiser moving forward. While it seems easier to point the finger, if we do not take the chance to put pain in our pipe and smoke it…we are likely to repeat mistakes and breed the hurt we so wish to avoid.
One Let Me Be Me reader noted about learning from a deeply hurtful transition out of a friendship,
I’ve learned that if I’m embarrassed or have to make excuses for my friend when I introduce her to new friends, something is wrong. Looking back, I watched her be unkind and verbally abusive to others, but never thought it would be directed at me. I thought I was different. I see now that if a woman is mean to other women, this behavior will eventually be directed toward me. If she’s mean to others, why would I think she won’t eventually be mean to me?
Perfectionists Need Not Apply
Remember, you don’t have be an expert! Jonalyn and I write on friendship weekly, and within the last few years, have both exited friendships that were unhealthy to one degree or another.
Can you think of other reasons behind relational disappearance or the importance of looking back to gain wisdom?
Hi. Thank you for this article. I think I am acting as a “disappearing friend” right now. I have been really close to this girlfriend of mine, till a couple of weeks back when she said something hurting to me again. The first time she did, it was a remark on why she has to end up with so many friends that are somewhat “emo” like me. Another time, it was a ridicule of how my Mandarin is so poor that I shouldn’t speak in Mandarin at all. Recently, when I assured her that she didn’t need to take the effort to meet me just because I am back at campus, she responded by saying that I’m not a VIP. She says all these things in good jest, thinking that they are really funny. When I point it out to her, she insists that it was all “just a joke”.
Rebekah –
Thanks for adding your comment here. I am sorry to hear that you are fielding comments like these that are meant as jokes. Honestly, I can relate. I have a strong sarcastic streak and have often seen my jokes fall flat.
She does not seem to register your objections and your hurt…and so the jabs keep coming. It does seem like she has less skill in moving to different ways of communicating with someone and I wonder if she has lost friends in the past due to her barbed way of talking to others…thinking that she is being funny? Her response that her comments are “just a joke” does tell me she is sensitive about it, but may not be mature enough to say “I am sorry, will you forgive me?”
To me, it would not be out of line to talk to her about her humor instead of disappearing. You run the risk of her turning the blame on you for being to sensitive, etc. I am not sure exactly how you have responded to her in the past…but if you are willing you could take your honesty to the next level by mentioning that you recognize her attempt to be interesting and funny, but that you are hurt by what she says and feel uncomfortable around her and that while being close, you finding yourself avoiding her or moving away emotionally. You can add positive comments to encourage her – you like her, have enjoyed the friendship, want to keep interacting with her, you want a friendship with her that is one that includes humor but also encouragement (e.g. speaking Mandarin), etc. This might help get to the real person underneath her humor – the one that seeks connection with people but does so in a fashion that pushes them away.
It is interesting that she notes she ends up with “emo” friends…am I right in thinking that that means “emotional”? (I could be off in that interpretation!) I would encourage you to not take it too personally if she gets on you about being too sensitive…it could be that she is not ready to interact with people in a way that requires her to enjoy herself enough to be kind and open to others.
Thanks again for adding these thoughts!
Sometimes I think location plays a part. I can think of some friends that I had in Ohio that I don’t have any contact with now. Sometimes we don’t really have a lot to pick from, so when we are finally with that truly compatible friend, it is easy to not work so hard on those older friendships that felt forced or out of necessity in the first place.
I also think sometimes life just gets plain busy and some friendships are VERY demanding. Not that I expect friendships to be easy and no work, but sometimes I have my hands full enough with my husband and kiddoes to deal with the drama that comes from some friends or groups, maybe I am getting old;) tehehehe, but I just don’t have the time or patience for drama! I am SOOO thankful for my steady friends that don’t get all in a huff during the busy times and that I know are still there for me despite busy times that come up for them. It is a really good place to be:)
Danielle-
You make a great point here. Sometimes it seems as if daily life simply swallows up time we actually would give a friend…in sense we disappear from one place because we are needed in another. I love your word compatible – a friendship that allows for flexibility and less strained effort.
You are right about steady friends and what they can offer us as we move in and out of seasons of our own lives. It is true that as we divide our attention between our life roles – there is less patience and openness to dramatic friendships, friendships built on necessity, or friends that get huffy.
Thanks for your input! You put great words to the ideas behind a disappearing friend.
[...] and crumble and hurt. So far we’ve talked about the Demanding Friend, the Unaware Friend, the Disappearing Friend. This week, get ready to hear about the Unforgiving [...]
Thanks for addressing this topic in your series. I feel like your categories are giving me a framework to talk with my tween daughter about relationships with girls.
I have had a couple of disappearing friends and I’ve come to the conclusion that most women are very uncomfortable/unskilled at navigating any kind of friendship “fork in the road”. Situations where there needs to be a discussion of boundaries, dissapointment, or different expectations cause most women to run the other way rather than work toward resolution and a deeper friendship.
Developing strong friendships is a skill I’m just now learning in my 40s, but one I hope to see my daughter begin to develop much sooner.
Hi Shannon-
Thanks for your comment! You make a great point about teaching the women of upcoming generations about female friendship. No doubt most of navigate the sometimes tumultuous waters of female friendship – from childhood through adulthood. Jonalyn and I have enjoyed the Tough Cookie series, so I appreciate your adding that it is a helpful framework for discussions.
I like what you said about your conclusion – something I think women often reach: most are afraid to move through tougher times. There is some truth to this – some people panic at the fork in the road. Much is lost at this point, for so many great women and friendships with potential. Figuratively speaking, I wonder what we might find at this fork – how many unmet expectations, sad hearts, fears, dashed hopes. Women can be such champions of one another, and sadly, many are not sure how to find a friendship like this or be a championing friend. You are right – this does take some grit when a friendship hits a fork in the road. And some friendships are meant to be placed and left at just this spot.
To me, there is much to be said about individual health laying the groundwork for a growing and vibrant friendship that can see a fork in the road and even if it causes fear, work through it. Without a strength from inside, which comes in so many different forms of the ways we can love ourselves – our personalities, our interests, our ways of going about daily life, our beliefs, our tendencies, our pet peeves, etc. – we are left relying on others to perform the duty – a duty they are not suited for.
The tough things in any relationship to discuss, like the examples you mentioned – boundaries, disappointments, expectations can be such sticky conversations. It is no wonder that many relationships wither under the pressure these situations bring – when really, such pearls could result.
Developing friendships is a skill – what a great statement. Thank you for adding that. We are always learning about ourselves, and always have the chance to learn about other people. Such opportunities in both camps!
Thanks for your comment – glad to have you as a reader!
I like these thoughts. I’ve found maintaining good friendships takes almost as much work as a marriage, especially when they are part of your daily life.
[...] far, in our Tough Cookie Series we have taken a look at The Demanding Friend, The Unaware Friend, The Disappearing Friend and The Unforgiving Friend. In August, we begin with The Guilting [...]
I wish to ask for some advice. I recently got back in touch with an old high school friend. We talked on the phone several times. I found out I had a lot in common with them still, maybe even more than high school. The person called me one night to ask if I would do a creative project with them. I was overjoyed at the thought of working with this person. Plus, we were sharing our souls too. They had a death to deal with, I had a trauma I told them about. We were really reconnecting.
Despite the fact they had a newborn on the way, they acted like they would still find time to talk. I would like to say again, they called me to ask me to do something creative with them (I do freelance writing and video production.) They also told me they wanted to respond to my explaining my trauma with a letter because email wasn’t personal enough. I asked if they were certain the time with the newborn wouldn’t eat up all their day and they kept telling me it wouldn’t. We would talk.
It is been a month and no contact from this person. They said to be patient for the next two months, but I’ve been writing emails and leaving voice mails once a week or more with simple questions. Like I mailed them a birth gift and they never said they got it when I asked. Or how they are doing. The last email I got was right before the birth, so I don’t even know how that went. I am confused. I don’t have kids, but even if I did, a person wouldn’t have to email me or call many times to get a response. Once or twice, if I am busy is enough. I am not sure if the newborn makes them so busy, they can’t think of anything else. If that’s what is happening, they should say, not leave me hanging, since the letter and creative project was their idea. I feel disappointed and disrespected, built up with hopes that something I wanted to happen won’t.
I feel all I can do is call again and ask how they are doing. I am worried about them since I didn’t hear about the birth and I am curious about my gift, the letter and creative projects we could do. If it is a matter of waiting…should I wait? Like a month and try again? I want to be creative with my friend, yet they have disappeared after offering me some things I really wanted. It hurts but I don’t know what to do. Help?
Alice -
Thank you for your comment and question – you describe a situation that is familiar to many. Thank you also for waiting for a response – for both Jonalyn and I the last week was full of visitors and activities.
I chuckled a bit when I read your question, because Jonalyn and I experienced a version of this in our friendship. Before my daughter was born, Jonalyn and I had a talk about what might change when I became a mother. She had not had children yet, but had experienced a few friends withdraw after they began caring for their newborns. While I struggled with my situation and not knowing what to expect with my first child, she struggled with how she might be “left behind” and our friendship brushed to the side.
There were points when her questions were hard to answer as I adjusted to motherhood and all it meant for me. I knew she did not know and I would have a hard time explaining what it felt like to have cobwebs in my brain (no sleep), to visit the doctor over an over because my child wasn’t gaining weight, to not be able to pee without it stinging really badly, to juggle visitors that wanted to hold the child that was needing me.
I can imagine that you feel a bit suspended between the acceptance and reconnection you felt with this friend, and the new quietness she offers with this change. To be honest, a month after a newborn might feel like a 1000 years to her as she learns to care for her child. It is likely that she is adjusting her attentions and priorities, which does not mean you are not important to her, but means that she is figuring out how she can spend her days. It might be a few months before she she is rested enough to put attention to a project or your friendship. For me, it was late fall/early winter before I surfaced after having a baby in the spring.
You are kind to show your interest with a gift and with calls. In my opinion, you could probably leave it how it is and wait for a response. You might be dying inside for a response, but you might also have to wait. And heal… If you have the room, you might take some time to consider the feelings you mentioned and how much you have put her in charge of fulfilling what you have hoped for…the friendship, the sharing, the project. Her absence does not mean the project will not get done, but it might mean a change in the time table. You might also consider your response to sharing yourself and how much you have put her in charge for caring for your trauma, your happiness, your feeling okay and worthwhile inside. As a clinical psychologist, I know that sharing deeper parts of ourselves makes us highly sensitive to acceptance and attention. We do not want to feel rejected on top of feeling traumatized.
There is also an element of your sharing yourself with others. I would encourage you to share the wealth of who you are – your life experiences, your talents, your interests, your laughter, your listening ear, your ideas, your personality with others. This might mean that you invest in counseling so that your trauma receives the care it deserves, and that you do not put your most painful self with someone who may not be able to digest what it means. It might mean that you befriend others, so that you can remain balanced when one friend is not (or less) available.
There are still times in my friendship with Jonalyn when I am unavailable – or vice versa. This puts us in a position to be clear in our expectations of one another and to trust one another. Admittedly, this openness and trust has grown over time. We have had plenty of conversations working through misunderstandings of time, schedule, expectations and hurt feelings. Our working through situations like both of our having children (I also had to adjust when Jonalyn was pregnant and then caring for a newborn), have allowed our friendship to move through seasons to build this openness and trust. I believe it is true that something like a child can push friends apart – and there are many friendships that do not survive life changes such as marriage, illness, loss, children, work. However, I also believe that your friend having a baby is a situation you can work through while you maintain respect for each others’ differences, desires, expectations and interest.
So glad to have you write in. I truly hope that the next months bring you reconnection with this friend and also connection with additional friends so that the beauty of who you are can be enjoyed by many.
I did get ahold of my friend and we have talked about the project. Last weekend was odd. They called twice but we never ended up talking. The first call was to say that they had a conference call, which I didn’t understand because I made plans to talk days before, didn’t they know they would have a conference call? But they said, they would call after it was done. I was happy they called to let me know it might run late and they would call me after it was done.
They did call back but then said they had to reschedule. It was hard to me to be at the time they wanted to call and I was putting time with my husband aside to talk. I wouldn’t mind this, but it happens a good number of times. I even told this person in an email that it hurt when they said they would do something and they didn’t follow through. I’ve tried to be accommodating too. I told them if talking biweekly was better or tried to give them a way out that gives them more time and freedom. Yet they say they want to talk every weekend. Or they want to do a project. But then, it is hard to get ahold of them. I feel most of my energy is geared to planning a time instead of quality conversation and when they called twice, I did manage to ask some technical questions I needed answered. We made a plan to talk in the middle of the week, but I fear I’ll move my schedule around to accommodate but then they will cancel or be rushed, which I don’t think would happen with a biweekly calling plan vs. weekly.
I try to make them understand my view without being demanding. That if we make a plan and I look forward to talking, I will be disappointed if I feel like I was cancelled. Like everything else is more important. It doesn’t feel good.
What is your advice if you have a friend who doesn’t follow through yet asks you to be persistent because they will get to you eventually? I mean, I try to be as nice as possible but when my husband and I are trying to eat and they call early then say they need to call back at a different time then we planned, only to call back and cancel…then planning another day only to leave me wondering if that plan won’t be the same thing. I will leave a simple email or call, wanting to confirm a time, but they usually go unanswered. I feel this person wants to talk because of what they say to me, yet their actions don’t mesh. I do get a few items from them that I tend to want to back off of, like my friend saying they are having couple problems. I am open to talking less if they need the time. But the main thing is the planning. I get frustrating with all the planning that might end up with the other person either not calling me at all or calling and saying they can’t make it. I am not sure how we can do a project together without good communication at least twice a month.
As far as your response, I don’t think I ask my friends to carry my trauma. My friend offered to write me a response, I didn’t ask. They said they would talk to me even when I said I understood they had a newborn and may not have time. I feel almost too understanding on my end about broken promises. That is why I had to tell them their actions hurt me. SImple stuff, like me asking a yes/no question they could answer in a 30 second email. I didn’t need a deep response. I think it did help, for my friend thought all their emails had to be profound. I wanted an answer to a question, not something written perfectly. We did talk two weeks in a row, but it was hard making the plans and I feel we may not talk in the middle of the week as planned. What can I do to get over the disappointment if that happens?
I have other friends, but most of them seem to do this, like being rude and not following through is an accepted norm. One I don’t do. If I say I will be somewhere at a planned time, I am there. I expect people to take me into consideration the same way. Is that wrong?
[...] in our Tough Cookie Series we have taken a look at The Demanding Friend, The Unaware Friend, The Disappearing Friend and The Unforgiving Friend, The Guilting Friend. We’ll close with the Confusing [...]