Love In Action

Sally and Grace...Before She Hit High School To Celebrate "Singles Awareness Day 2012"

My high-school-aged cousin Grace texted this morning that she is celebrating Singles Awareness Day instead of Valentine’s Day.  I laughed and texted back that I remember numerous single Valentine’s Days in my middle school, high school and college years.

We all fall somewhere on a love continuum at any age – lucky in love, disappointed in love, waiting on love, enjoying love, confused by love.  It is easy to get tangled up in what it means to love ourselves and how to go about doing that.  It is easy to get tangled up in how to express love to others.

Friendship is a great place to express love - in detail.  Valentine’s Day offers us an opportunity to move beyond “I love you.”  I say I love you to each of my closest friends, but I am learning to tell them what I love about them.  It is more difficult that it sounds!

Don’t Just Think It, Say It.

Today, offer a friend detailed love.

• I love that you are _______.  I see that when you _______________.
• I really appreciate that you are ____________.
• You are good at ___________.
• It is important to me that you know that I love you, but also WHAT I love about you.
• I really admire that you ______________.

There is a difference between “I love you” and offering “I love you and here are a few details of that love.”  Watch your friend’s face when you tell them what is so great about them.  Let the silence linger as they hear about themselves.

We live in a world starved for love details, and sometimes the broad, general “I love you” leaves us wanting more.  So no matter what Valentine’s Day means for you as far as romantic love goes, today is a great chance to offering a friend “more”. Dig out some less-used adjectives and practice celebrating our differences out loud!

• thoughtful
• creative
• attentive
• responsive
• open
• caring
• intelligent
• willing
• adventurous
• courageous
• brave
• hopeful

Any adjectives or descriptions of a friend you can add to the list??  Let’s hear them!

Interested in Part 2 of “Is It Selfish To Love Yourself?”  Take a look!

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What Friends Can Give This Christmas

I have a friend that trades with me. It’s taken us four years to get to this point.

We have sons close in age so on Tuesdays we swap the boys.

Photo credit: Dale Fincher, December 2011

This week, my friend is super busy with work.  Still, she made it a point to take time to ask me to watch her son for 45 minutes so she could get some alone time. I was so glad to help, and 45 minutes? That’s nothing.

Dale and I loaded the one-year old boys up and took them to the park.

A rather packed and humdrum day began to glow as we watched F and S giggle over the heights of the swing.  We pushed them up into the last rays of the sun, warming them from the chilly playground.

We trotted them over the bridge to the library’s warmth where we played Dora on the computer and put books into the child’s book drop over and over.

Before I knew it, before we’d had a chance to really explore the millions of legos strewn in the playroom, my friend came back, nails sleek and shellac’d ready to claim her little one.

It was when I saw her smile I realized she had given to us.

She gave us the gift of receiving our gift, and receiving well, with grace and gratitude.

We gave her time, to be a mom who (in her words) is safe for one more day from mom jeans and a scrunchy.

In Sally’s recent post “Is Christmas All About Money?” she covers the many types of gifts. Notice, again, how wonderful gifts like these can’t be wrapped in paper and bows. Consider how difficult it really is to give things like:

• my time
• my attention
• my questions
• my thoughtfulness
• my words
• my health (if I am spiritually, mentally and relationally healthy I make for a much better friend!)

You could even title this list “the gifts of openness” for each of them require friendships with safety, peace, mercy, joy, hope–all the things Jesus was meant to bring into our lives.

The last few weeks, I had a S.O.S. need for close girlfriends. I realized that those I actually called for help, those closest to me, were women I can cry with and not fear judgment or quick-fix instruction.

Photo Credit: http://lovetexts.tumblr.com/post/4111620494/if-a-girl-cries-in-front-of-you

They are friends who rarely misunderstand or offer, as Sal calls it “unsolicited advice. They are friends who encourage my instincts, validating my thoughts and feelings.”

We need to ask and receive to see how much friends can give.

Think about your friendships. Who can you be honest enough to cry with? Who can you cry with and not feel like you must apologize for your tears? Who can you share a need with so that they can fill?

This last one can be tricky because we don’t want to demand our friends meet all our needs.  Here are some ways you can give the gift of openness to your friends this Christmas.

• My week is so crazy, I feel like I’m going to explode if I don’t get some time to myself. I was thinking of getting a manicure tomorrow. Are you available for me to drop (insert child/s names here) for 45 minutes?
• I have company coming tomorrow and it would be a huge help if I didn’t have (insert child or dog’s name here) running around my legs. Any chance I could drop him by your place for two hours tomorrow?
• I’ve missed cross-country skiing (insert hobby/art/sport) so much. I was thinking we could both go cross-county skiing if we took the kids in the chariots. I’m free Tuesday morning. Any chance you could join me at Catamount?
• My friend/husband/family member just leveled me. I think I need someone to tell me if I’m going crazy. Do you have a moment for me to tell you what happened?
• My husband and son are sick and I need to get to the store. I was wondering if I text you a list of groceries if you could pick them up for me? I can swing by this afternoon and get them.

I recommend practicing your request to yourself and then imagine hearing it. How would you respond? Would you feel free to say, “No”?  Prepare your response if your friend does say, “No.” Can you let your need remain exposed without feeling rejected or bitter? If so, this makes you a safe and open friend, it means you are neither passive aggressive, manipulative or demanding. All great gifts to those we love.

For me, it’s an honor to know a friend is close enough and open enough with me to ask.  It comes as a great compliment.  It means that I make them feel like they can be honest about that they need.

And Christmas, if anything, must begin with our acceptance of gifts bigger and better than we ever thought possible.

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Silver and Gold in the Holidays

I have this friend I used to always see on or near Christmas. She and I have been friends for our whole lives. Seriously, we were babies in the church nursery together.

Though we’re now married with children we aren’t in the same places anymore. She and I don’t always see eye-to-eye. Sometimes I’m not even sure I want to see her over those precious, packed days of holiday festivities. When we do get together we spend a lot more time reminiscing than diving deeper. I used to be afraid the time was misspent, but because there is an overlap of our common values, we still make time for each other.

I want to remain friends with the childhood girls who I sold brownies with on the roadside on endless Saturday mornings because I know the common experiences also carved similar shaped values in each of us. For a few of these friends I know we still cherish the same things, even if we express that in different ways. There are still authentic ways we can care for each other and enjoy each other’s friendship as adults.

But I also don’t want to feel so disappointed when it’s not “like it used to be.”

How can I be friends with those in my past with courage to be myself as I am now? How do we, as the old song goes, “Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other’s gold”?

Photo Credit: silversite.info

Take a moment and consider what makes old friends so valuable? What is gold and what is silver?

For me the gold is a friend who values much of the things I value. The silver is a friend who values some of the things I value.

All our values are different, but this doesn’t mean there’s only one set of values that count as good or godly or best. As a good friend of mine recently presented on life transitions at a Soulation Gathering, I learned precisely what values are. As she explained, transitions help us recognize what will stay the same and what must change through the transition. Values, she said, remain steady. Beliefs, she explained, often need updating.

For instance, if my friend moves away, I notice my belief that she would always be geographically close needs updating, but my value for authenticity in our friendship remains steady. It’s just expressed through email and phone calls instead of face-to-face time.

Realizing the distinction between beliefs and values helps me consider how to connect with those friends who are more than acquaintances but not best-ies. Let me break it down.

1. Figure out what you value.
2. Figure out what your old friends value.
3. Take time to notice the overlap and spend time building up those conversations.

Let your values be part of your tool set of “holding onto yourself” as you re-engage with old friends this holiday season.

Here are a list of values (there are many more), use these to find three or four that are yours. Of course, you’ll be tempted to say you value all of them, but honestly, we all have a hierarchy of what we value. Can you find your top 3-4?

Values (in no particular order)

• Security
• Authenticity
• Spontaneity
• Preparation
• Integrity
• Fairness
• Humility
• Honesty
• Simplicity
• Dignity
• Fidelity
• Quality
• Temperance
• Service
• Courage
• Nurture
• Justice
• Potential
• Patience
• Encouragement
• Work ethic / Industry
• Freedom
• Modesty
• Responsibility
• Kindness
• Acceptance
• Golden rule
• Love

If my life’s values are Preparation and Justice I will find it difficult to simultaneously and equally value Spontaneity and Acceptance. Now let me be perfectly clear, this is not bad, this is actually good, for it means I’m an adult, knowing how to choose what God has put within me, to value the strengths I have and to act on them without constant apology.

Seeing old friends gives me a chance to take note of some values (still valuable, let’s call them the silver) that are not my values (also valuable, let’s call these the gold).

Photo Credit: goldalert.com

So you take the time, and you meet with an old friend or two. And after egg nog or hot apple cider and cookies we will find ourselves glad for the gold and grateful for the silver. And we will be also glad we’re adults, and no longer children. And we will be able to notice the sparkle and beauty that makes the holidays a time to thank God for his variety and purpose on this good earth.

Photo credit: designcrafters.com

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Fresh Starts with Friends We Call Family

Every one of us can imagine that our friendships with our female family members could be better. For instance, think of your mother-daughter friendship, either with your own daughter (should you have one) or with your mother.

Many mothers love to have their daughters close, both relationally and geographically. I know a mother that felt very close to her daughter, until this daughter moved thousands of miles away. Now, where was their friendship? How would they remain close?

Moving to Steamboat away from my family has meant many changes for me.

Instead of a crisis, irrevocably harming their friendship, this move could be the first real adult test of their friendship.

Just as I cannot know if I can do a pull-up (I can’t) unless I hang from the monkey bars and try, I cannot know the strength of a friend unless we walk through a difficult time.

This month we’re talking about “fresh starts”, an idea that assumes something about our friendship needs a restart.

Think of a family friendship that feels strained, an unspoken awkwardness, a past sticky conversation or confrontation, a feeling that you are walked over or ignored or unwanted. I think every woman wants to have a better, fresher friendship with SOME female family member, don’t you?

How can you begin afresh and initiate a healthy friendship?

1. What do you believe about your family member right now that bothers or concerns you? Something is causing the strain, what is it? Another way to put this is what expectations do you have and how have they not been met? My friend who left her family chose to join a mission in Hyderabad, India. She wanted her mother to be excited about her new sacrifice and adventure. She wanted her to believe that she still loved her even though she was moving. She also wanted her to promise to visit. These expectations led her to a lot of disappointed, at first. Any time we face our disappointment we have fresh material for forgiveness, though this doesn’t mean we just forget what happened.
2. How do you treat the family member who has disappointed you? One jewel I’ve held close from Harriot Learner’s book The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships is mature, loving boundary making. Learner teaches if you are about to change something in your relationship, you are also responsible to maintain warmth and connection in your relationship. With my friend who moved to Hyderabad, the distance was created by her. She would be part of a work, community, church and friendship circle that didn’t overlapped with her mother. Because she was initiating change: it was also her responsibility to move with warmth toward her mother even as she geographically moved farther away. She regularly called her mother, footing the extra phone bills, and visited every few months for the first several years. Of course, her mother may not have felt warm and close with me. Practicing Learner’s principle with success does not mean the person will feel warm and tight with you. She may feel the opposite, but it is important to know that you have done what you could to be warm and loving even as you set up boundaries to move in any way.
3. How do you respond when your family member doesn’t like what you do? Do you try to fix your family member’s feelings or can you listen to their disapproval or feel their coldness without picking up guilt? With my friend, she had to walk through some strained moments, where her mother was clearly not in the cheering section of her move. When her mother once came to visit her in her new home, her mom left early, when she spoke on the phone she didn’t know how much to share about how delighted she was with this new culture. But, she tried to let her be her because deep down she hoped she would, one day, be able to say, “My mom let me be me, even with a cross-cultural move halfway around the world.”

My friend has lived in India for over ten years. In that time her friendship with her mother has changed.

Market in Hyderabad

Her mother visits her regularly and she visits her mom in the States. Her mother accompanies her to the local market and they cook together like they did back in Tennessee. And when my friend visits, she stays with her mother in her old childhood home.

Though, they still work to be fully themselves with each other, they are beginning to see the integrity and hope of letting a huge move re-start their friendship.

As my friend put it, “Our friendship has gotten better, better even than the friendship we had when I lived in her same town. I feel supported and respected by her in ways I could never have experienced before.”

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Why Forgiving is not Forgetting

When speaking on the road with Soulation, I’m often asked questions from teens and adults about how to deal with difficult people.

Last week a teen at Camp of the Woods, upstate New York, asked “Why do people make fun of me for being different?” My heart ached as I heard her.  Young, but already familiar with the painful road of unkindness.

This young person has lots of material for forgiveness.

And if you and I can be vulnerable with each, so do we.  We have a flock of petty, annoying ways other people have hurt us.  We also have two or three oceans of hurt, places someone damaged us in a way that changed us forever.  If asked about a friend who has hurt you, the person, the place, the pain rise up.

With my friends, I’ve found it much easier to assume forgiveness means I forget the offense and just “let the past be the past.”  I even can use religious maxims like, “God is the ultimate judge,” and “God will deal with it, I need to leave it in God’s hands,” or “God works all things out for good,” which, while true are actually a thin veil for dishonesty.

Sure, God is the judge and yes God can deal with all the pain in my life and yep, I know he can do good stuff with tweaked and twisted events. That’s what the cross in Christianity is all about.

BUT.

Forgiveness is not truly forgiveness unless we know how we have been hurt.

I like the story of Jesus telling a man to turn the other cheek.  As I understand this passage in Matthew 5:39 Jesus is recommending a counter-cultural way of responding to evil.  Jesus is saying forgiveness is better than fighting, yelling, grudge-holding or even forgetting. To turn the other cheek means you don’t ignore what happened, you don’t pretend you’re just fine or that it didn’t hurt (e.g. I’m pretty tough, it take a lot more than THAT to hurt me”). You don’t say, “Well, God will judge you” and walk away. You admit the pain happened, and you engage it creatively even stunningly.

For a turned cheek is almost as stinging a response as a slap in the face. (read more at “Emotional Slapping“)

But you cannot engage evil in this way unless you know the depth to which you’ve been hurt.  You have to know how big the mess of pain runs through you before you know how far forgiveness has to mop up.

Consider that forgiveness is like a sponge that chooses to use its absorbency to soak up a puddle of evil.  To be powerful enough to deal with evil in this miraculous way you need:

1. an absorbent sponge i.e. it cannot be dry.
2. willingness to survey and enter the pain.
3. refusal to stop before the entire mess is soaked up.

Each step will be the last step if you rush into the believe that “Forgiving is forgetting.” Forgiveness is allowing yourself to get all soaked with the emotional pain of the hurt.  Because we all know dry sponges can’t mop up anything.

Forgiveness is not reconciling, either. Jesus never taught others to become buddies with those who were enemies.  He asked us to pray for our enemies, but not to invite them into our friendships. Notice that Jesus did not include Judas in his close friendship times.  He only included Peter, James and John.

And life experience teaches us that forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things.

In a book I recently finished called When a Man You Love Was Abused, Cecil Murphey writes about the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation (read my review).  We have an easier time understanding that a sexually assaulted individual should not reconcile with his abuser. We can see the forgiving the molester is not the same as inviting him to your birthday party.

And we understand. Perhaps because the offense was so horrific.

But while forgiveness requires honesty and refusing to forget, it does not always involve reconciliation.  In fact, I’d go so far to say it is impossible to fully forgive if you have never fully remembered.

Can you think of other misunderstood ideas about forgiveness that actually keep us from doing this healing act wholly?

Sally gave us a few:

Forgiveness is NOT:

• erasing the event or hurtful memories
• letting the offender off the hook
• condoning, excusing, forgetting, justifying, calming down after a hurtful event
• faux-forgiveness (just saying the words)

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Friendships, Cookies & Salmonella Poisoning

Freedom in Friendships

This week we celebrated our amazing national freedom. Freedom falls in so many categories of our lives, including friendships.  There is a balancing act that happens in a relationship that allows for freedom, since two people are not always in the same emotional place.

How do we know when to be content with a relationship the way it is?  Our lives can look different in so many ways, ways that might prevent a relationship from growing or changing.

• work
• marital status
• personal interests
• personality style
• emotional readiness for more

Ready For More?

One way we can differ is our readiness for more in a relationship.   Can you remember the first time you tried something scary – - like jumping off the high dive?  The water below is crispy blue and inviting, but there is a lot of space between the end of the board and the soft ripples below.  To some, a petition for more closeness in a relationship is as scary as standing on the edge of the diving board not sure if you are ready or able.

We can make some good comparisons with things that need time to grow or change, such as ripe piece of fruit, a batch of raw cookie dough, a good story or a personal skill.  Do I offer our friendships the same freedom to develop?  In my differences with others, are there places for a friend who may not be ready for a deeper friendship?  Am I willing to admit I may not be ready or feel safe enough with a certain person? Or maybe there is a trustworthy friend I could jump into the deep end with, sharing more of my true thoughts, feelings, desires and dreams?

One challenge in a friendship is knowing when to allow a relationship to coast in its current state, leave it so that no more harm is done, or press for more in a quest for depth.  Some people have a great capacity for depth in a relationship, some do not.  Some could stand to change a stale friendships that has been the same for too long.  Some have good friendship and life experience, some do not.  Some are aware of what they are like as a person, some are not.  All of these differences are not bad, they just determine how close two people can really be.

There are some realistic ways to evaluate if a friendship could stand the demands that more openness and honesty brings.

• History – How has the friend handled challenges in the past?  Is there a sense of trust and readiness, or a sense of hesitation and fear?
• Interactions – What do your more emotional interactions with this person tell you about the friendship?  Is there an undercurrent of superiority from one person, a constant sense of competition that makes one of you wary of moving forward?  A sense of “You be you and I’ll be me and won’t that be great?”
• Your Gut – What do you feel as you exist in this friendship?  A desire for more, a constant mutual interest?  Regular encouragements for you to do different, be different, do more, be more?

Beware…

Some women look a certain way – inviting, gentle, accepting, ready, safe.  After some luster loses its shine, experience may show me this person is anything but, and they may not even know it (not many people know and then openly admit that they might be a tad close-minded, a bit of a know-it-all, have a smidgen of tendency to be brusk or bossy, or frequently dangle forgiveness like a carrot).  To keep with the “not ready” examples, this is like a dish you pull out of the oven that looks deliciously ready from the outside, but cold and uncooked on the inside.

No

In previous posts, we briefly discussed ending a friendship and also being ready for rejection or disappointment.  When asking for more from someone, you might be met with “no”.  Stomaching this might include accepting someone where they are, even if we are hurt by the answer.  This also might include resting in the confidence that comes from acting on your own thoughts and decisions, trusting your gut, even if we disappoint someone else by saying “No.”

Krysta MacGray's Chocolate Chunk Cookie of http://www.krystaslifeinfood.com

To me, the long and short of it is that it depends on the person.  Some friends have the capacity for more, some do not.  Some want it, some have no interest.  Forcing growth does no one much good, like biting into a piece of fruit that needs more time on the tree.  Hard, bitter and quite unpleasant.

However, there is really nothing like a just-out-of-the-oven cookie baked just right (i.e. no more threat for salmonella poisoning!).  The same could be said about a friendship aptly grown!

A Friendship Aptly Grown

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Recipe for Frenemy Cake

Let me tell you about a wicked cake.

We all want to make a great layered cake of friendship, but another rising concoction threatens our time and our love in friendships.

What goes into a frenemy relationship?

Terri Apter, co-author of Best Friends: The Pleasures and Perils of Girls’ and Women’s Friendships writes that “among female friends there is: a wish to offer support and see a friend thrive, on the one hand, and a fear of being left behind or out-shone, on the other.”

Women have love and unkindness mixed into every friendship.  Unkindness fueled by envy or insecurity.

Mix envy into kindness for a friend and you have a frenemy cake. This concoction happens almost spontaneously, rarely intentionally, always insidiously.  As Sally explained in A Gossipy Fine Line, frenemy behavior can be as easy as gossip.

Frenemy in Training

I see the frenemy cake rising in myself.

I come home after a long day spending time with a woman I don’t like. Actually she doesn’t like me, stinging me with little snippy comments, like nettles in my soul.  I hate being insulted without being able to put my finger on the exact insult. Women do that well, smooth as cream even when they’re working against you.

I loathed this woman more each moment I spent with her, wanting to not care, but caring deeply about what she thought of me.

I see layer one rising: insecurity.

I was bound by obligation to remain with her and yet longed to pull out my bag of thistles and give her a taste of my needles.  The battle I fought to not lash out left me mostly silent, often despondent and as my husband told me afterwards, looking like I was trying too hard.

Darn it all!  Why did I even bother trying to be nice when it feels like a losing battle?

Layer two rising on top: disgust with both myself and this “friend.”

So in the evening hours I took refuge in my hotel room with my books and music, my notebook full of observations for a writing project and a bag of cherries soothing my pin-pricked emotions.

I feel all the distaste for my own sex as I check emails, update on blogs, spend time lingering on friend’s updates thinking of things that are too embarrassing to admit.

Unkind things toward those I call friends.

Surely, not ME

Perhaps because I was hoping to outgrow it, I didn’t pay  much close attention to this spongy cake.

But now I’m sure, whenever I’m feeling insecure about who I am, frenemy cake is cooking in the oven.

One way to melt the power of frenemia, to resist the temptation to make my cake and eat it, too, is to throw open the door on the reality in my soul.  If you haven’t faced the frenemy in you, I can guarantee it looks a lot worse than you first expect. And like most messes I’m afraid it’s going to look a lot worse before it’s going to look better.

Confession

As I’ve written (I’m Worse, You’re Better), confession is all about owning things.

Confession is a lost practice.  We rarely do it, or do it only generally (“Yea, I gossip, sometimes).

Confession is like diving naked into a pool, it feels cold and stunning and in the end almost too good to be true.

One reason I follow Jesus is because he came for sick people he wanted to make clean.  As long as I remain convinced that I need to be cleaned up, every day, again and again, I can be a Christ follower.  Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.

In one account of Jesus life I found this: “To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everybody else, Jesus told this parable:

“Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself:

‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’

“But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said,

‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner’ (Luke 18:9-13).

Jesus praised the tax collector.

When I admit I’m insecure and unkind to friends, Jesus is right at my elbow, cheering me onward into honesty.

Like a woman who confessed at a recent retreat “Lord, forgive me for my one-upmanship”, we all can agree we have that problem, too.

Take a moment and consider what provokes you to cook up a frenemy cake in your soul.

What’s your first layer of insecurity?

Your second layer of unkindness?

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A Gossipy Fine Line

(a friend who acts like an enemy – or – an enemy who acts like a friend)

(pop culture reference:  Think Paris Hilton & Nicole Richie circa 2005+)

How Is So-And-So Doing?

At a reunion this past weekend I got to hear from a whole group of friends how they are doing, their current interests, what they are up to.  Often this is not the case – it is common that we are asked (or ask) “How is So-And-So doing?”  This is one example of a fine line and where a frenemy can sprout up.  How to maintain respect for someone without falling into a trap of gossip?  It feels sticky sometimes…answering without shutting down a conversation, answering a genuine inquiry, answering with respect to the person being asked about.

The Awkward Silence of Request Not To Gossip

Awkward Silence

Example:  Awhile ago I was at a dinner with some friends and was enjoying some juicy gossip.  One brave soul inserted a forceful request that we not gossip and change the subject.  I swear you could hear crickets chirping in the sudden awkward silence.  Where do you take a conversation from there?  The food?  Weather?  There was a mix of shame and embarrassment on my part, and a smidgen of “I’m better than” from the “let’s not gossip girl” (ha!  another good pop culture reference!)

At one time, Jonalyn and I experienced this together.  She asked a genuine question about a friendship of mine.  I had plenty to say.  Even though the friendship was not a drama-filled one, it was one that had fizzled out.  We dangled in a pregnant pause as I decided how to answer…how do I respond honestly but concisely about this person?  Can I represent my friend without momentarily turning myself into her enemy?  Or, if it had been a more painful situation, respect someone who has hurt me that I would really like to lash out at passive-aggressively (e.g. I will hurt you behind your back but not to your face)?

A Certain Laziness

There is a laziness that we could admit to – asking others so that we don’t have to go straight to the source, make a long phone call, get updated and admit regrets of not keeping in touch (everyone gets to throw out the “so busy” excuse we use, hate, don’t believe, etc.)  So we ask someone else.  This is also a fine line – I can only keep in touch with so many people, and even though I might inquire in a genuine way, it is really up to me to be the friend – not put someone else in the position of being a gossip or informant.

Realistically, I Must Admit

I would love it if no one ever talked about me behind my back.  But realistically, I know it happens.  Realistically, I know that I am not good friend material to everyone: for some I prove to be too much of some things and not enough of others; some find me difficult for a colorful variety of reasons. A friend might need some advice on how to handle me.

I Know It Happens...

A Few Response Options

I have an excellent friend who has defended my honor on many occasions.  She has a delicious mix of boldness and sweetness that I admire.  We used to live in the same town…since I moved, others often ask about me since she and I remain close friends.  To any question resembling “How is Sally doing?” she kindly responds that she does not really like to talk about other people’s business and that Sally would probably love to hear from you.  As far as responses go, that’s one option.

Other options? While The Golden Rule is a simple, guiding principle we can all practice, there are a few other ways to work against gaining or being a frenemy.   There are also times we need to talk in confidence to another friend that offers solid, loving advice without fueling the gossip fire.  

A final favorite – many of us have heard that a good judge of conversational content is to say only what you would say if the person was standing there. 

Overall, no matter the approach we choose to take, I don’t think we can argue with the fact that we get plenty of chances to practice not making an enemy out of a friend by handling social and personal discussions well.  

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Wonderful People Hurting Wonderful People

Earlier in my marriage Dale and I would find ourselves fencing along the same corridor.  We still have arguments that sound like same song, second verse.

The surface features change, we’re disagreeing about how often the living room should be picked up instead of when the bathroom needs to be cleaned, but the root cause is the same. So is the outcome.

Dale feels misunderstood, because I assume he’s trying to hurt me.

I feel annoyed and un-listened to because he’s assumed the requests aren’t top priority.

I’ll be full steaming ahead to make a really good point, when Dale will stop and say,

“Do you think I would have done that, said that, meant that, to hurt you?”

Ohhhh, yea.

My husband is not the kind of person who would hurt me, not on purpose.

It’s been years since Dale’s introduced this pause into our arguments, but only recently my therapist put it more clearly, “First of all,” she said, “Remember that you’ve married a wonderful person.”

True and easy to agree with most days.

But in the fiery frustration of the moment it’s much easier to assume he left the papers out because he knew it would bother me.  I mean, why else would he do it?!

To believe the worst, to imagine he’s plotting to annoy me, to think the most incriminating backstory, to fail to offer Dale the benefit of the doubt comes easily to me. It’s the rut I fall into most naturally.

But the times I’ve told him, “Okay, I know you would never do this intentionally to hurt me, but I was wondering (insert request here),” our conversation burst with mutual understanding and even a few grins thrown in.

Now, how does my friendship with Dale apply to girlfriends?

I wish I could say this lesson is easily applicable to girl friends. But I’ve known girls who hurt their friends on purpose: the longtime friend who snubs you at the reunion, the sister who pokes the sore topic, the colleague who drops casual hints that prove her higher pay grade. I once told a friend, “What you said really hurt me!”

“Good!” she returned.  I was completely baffled at her outright animosity.  Later, I learned she had felt hurt by me (unintentionally, but still) and was returning in-kind.

Girls do know how to hurt on purpose.  But I don’t think good friends sow seeds of malicious hurt. In fact this might be a good way to distinguish a good friend from a frenemy. If they hurt me I can bank on them doing it unintentionally.  For instance, I’ve had long time, safe friends confront me. They’ve hurt me, but not on purpose.  Their loving, humble, careful approach in asking me to consider something, with freedom and openness to hear my side speaks louder than my hurt.

Girl friends that I will keep near me do not hurt on purpose.

A few months ago a childhood friend, call her Lavinia, told her husband about a personal failing (PF) I shared in confidence.  Her husband, unaware of the secrecy of the PF relayed the story to a mutual friend, who I’d rather not know about my PF.

The day Lavinia realized what she had done, she called me.

“I’m so sorry,” she said, “What can I do to remedy this situation?”

Taking a cue from arguments with Dale, I had to ask myself questions:

• Was Lavinia trying to hurt me?
• Did this harm my ability to trust Lavinia in the future?
• Was this a pattern of Lavinia’s in the past?

To each question I had to answer no.

Lavinia is a wonderful friend, someone whose heart is true, who is for me. Someone I can gladly extend the benefit of the doubt.

So I told her so, “I know you didn’t do this to hurt me or make me look bad.  Thank you for telling me what happened, for wanting to make amends.  But it’s okay.  I don’t see this as a make or break moment in our friendship.”

I could hear her sigh of relief into the phone.  After we chatted for a few more minutes I hung up and thought about how Dale had offered me the training wheels to easily coast into this moment.

I hopped off the chair to go find him and give that wonderful guy a big hug.

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Dead End?

We Broke Up…

Not all friendships are good friendships.  Some are simply…dangerous dead ends.

While there is no hard and fast answer to the question of when to end a friendship, no handbook or protocol of how to break off a relationship, no “how to” set of directions, there are a few ways we can evaluate a friendship to see if ending is the best option.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Square Peg Into A Round Hole

 

Honest Evaluation

A general truth: we all bring different things to the table in a relationship (e.g. I’m an introvert) and we all have a few things we need to work on as individuals at any given time (e.g. I’m a control freak).  Sometimes, these “things” can make a relationship more difficult; and making a relationship work can seem like trying to shove a square peg into a round hole.

Other than personality differences and characteristics, there are a number of things that can bring a relationship to an end – a stark betrayal, life situations (e.g. you work, I don’t; you have children, I don’t), a slow growing apart, a geographical distance, a growing knowledge of what the friendship requires (e.g. wow…she is really more demanding than I thought).

Codependency

This term is a bit mysterious and at times can be hard to figure out.  There is some amount of dependency in all relationships, we have expectations of faithfulness, reliability and trustworthiness, etc.  and when these characteristics are not fulfilled, we experience painful

Codependency: Are Things Out of Balance?

emotions – disappointment, anger, sadness, fear, etc.

An easy way to think of codependency is a) the amount of reliance on a person to fulfill your needs (e.g. attention, to feel special, needed, smart, important, etc) and b) the amount of impact a person’s behavior has on you.  If they need space, do you unravel? If you spend time with someone else, do they unravel?  If one of you is honest about the relationship, is there a tremendous fight that ends in silence or icy behavior?  If I am codependent on a person, their not fulfilling my needs knocks me off balance in a big way; I cannot move forward until the relationship is restored to its previous place.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fill 'er Up?

 

Filling Up With Gas

One element to consider in ending a relationship is how much time and energy you spend on this person and if the time and energy is reciprocated.  If you have to “gas up” to spend time with this person, and refill you tank after time with them, things might be a bit off balance.

One good way to judge whether an unbalanced friendship is okay for you is to watch your other relationships, your attitude, your tone of voice.  Does time with this person take away from others in your life?  Take away from your ability to enjoy important parts of your life?  Are you sharp, irritated, defensive and pointed after time with her?  Are you “ministering” to the person and all the while feeling drained and unhappy?  If so, the health of the unbalanced relationship might be in question.

Abuse

There are multiple types of abuse: emotional, verbal, physical, religious, sexual and neglect.  Abusive female friendships might contain more emotional and verbal abuse, evident in harsh, tearing words, manipulation, gossip, demeaning evaluations of a person and their characteristics.  Consider exiting or drastically changing your role in any relationship that includes abuse.

No Explanation

Some relationships just do not work.  These may not include abuse or contain extreme behavior.  I have often heard women say, “We just click.”.  Well, the opposite can be true; some people just do not go together well.  Rather than trying to make the friendship work, allow it to be what it can – a casual acquaintance, a small hello, a friend of a mutual friend.

Bite the Bullet

One difficult part about breaking off a friendship is the actual doing of it.  Let’s just agree that it can be super awkward and is usually painful for one or both persons.  The unfortunately position is the fork in the road, if the relationship is not ended it has two possible lives – it continues as is, or dies a slow death.

There are plenty of people who hate confrontation and would prefer on most accounts to not hurt anyone’s feelings.  Ending a relationship usually includes both of these things.  While a silent retreat is possible and an easier way out, consider having a conversation (if possible) with the person about going your own ways.

Grief and Healing

Lastly, be ready for grief.  Somehow, our hearts respond to the hope, time and effort we have in a relationship.  Even in breaking off a friendship, there is a loss.  There can be a withdrawal period as your life adjusts to a new balance without this person.  If you can, learn from your experience without it jading your perspective on female friendship (e.g. women are b-i-t-c-h-es, I can’t trust anyone, no one likes me,  I’ll never let anyone in again, etc.).  The alternative to healing is that pain, resentment and anger settle into the spirit, leaking into other beliefs, relationships or gossip.

Healthy change can include working through hard-to-feel emotions, but is worth the effort.  This might include counseling or other types of social and emotional support.  Journaling is also a good idea, working through feelings and learning from the experience with pen and paper.

Resources

Please Don’t Say You Need Me: Biblical Answers For Codependency

Toxic Relationships And How To Change Them

Healing Spiritual Abuse and Religious Addiction

(Even if you are not looking specifically for a spiritual book on codependency or relationships, I have found these books offers a good understanding of the “difficult relationships”)

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