How to Help a Friend Who Hurts – breath one, breath two

Several years ago I found I was unexpectedly expecting.  The baby was a complete surprise, but, as I told my doctor, that didn’t follow that this surprise was unwanted.

The baby, however, failed to develop a heartbeat.  I kept hoping the baby was just slower in development, but I lost this baby while on the road, one late night after speaking to teens in southern California.

Tulips a friend sent me after my miscarriage

In the Los Angeles hospital, the baby’s broken DNA was taken two days before Christmas 2007. I was left sore without any signal of this life, except a memory.

When good friends lose what can we do to walk alongside without accidentally poking a stick in the spokes?

For starters, friendship takes scholarship. Not the thick textbook kind, but the scholarship that begins by studying our friends.

When I lost my child I grieved and wrote and felt angry, not at God or at myself, but angry that I never got to meet our first child.

I would have loved someone to say, “It’s okay to be sad.”

Several good friends said just that.

I did not appreciate when people said, “You’ll have another child,” or “Just imagine what God has in store, you’ll get pregnant again.”  They didn’t realize that we had not been trying and I had no guarantee that my husband was excited to try. And I didn’t have the energy to explain.

I just needed time. To feel. Sad. I needed friend who would sit with me in the “meantime.”  The baby was gone from this earth and I had no present hopes of another baby in my future.

How do you feel when friends are sitting in the meanwhile?  How does this make you feel?  My first response is to throw them a rope and haul them out.

“Don’t feel like you have to sit there!” I want to shout down to them as I pull them out. “It’s dirty and wet and very unappealing for everyone.”  But this is not what a true friend does.

A steady friend stops, as Jesus did, and works to remember what was lost.  Did you know that even when Jesus knew his friend Lazarus would live again, that he would perform the miracle calling his friend out of the grave, he took time to weep?  He allowed himself to find he was sad, too.

The Son of God weeping.

We honor the God who made us when we weep, too.

A series of posts about pregnancy and miscarriage grew from my journal entries those sad January days.  A community of women and men who understood grew up around me and commented on my blog, wrote me letters and sent flowers. They prayed. A bundle of exquisite tulips arrived in a January snowstorm at my front door, the card honoring my baby’s life, sent from a women’s ministry I had spoken to the previous year.

My kitchen sink arrangement for the first few weeks in January 2007

What is the key to help someone who is suffering, especially when their pain is something you don’t understand?

1. First, as a new friend recently shared at Soulation’s Gold Gathering*, help your friends take the first breath. How?  Ask them what they feel and then make yourself quiet and still. Listen to what they are processing and do not correct. Do not promise things you cannot know like, “It will get easier”, or “You’ll get over this.”  I have friends who have lost children, healthy, strong babies and it has not gotten easier.  Harder, different maybe, but not easier. This first breath and exhale of grief may take a few days, or months or years. You can help them suck in the pain and slowly count as you exhale. Then, you gird yourself up to do it again.
2. Next, when they are ready, invite them to take the second breath. To breath new life in, to notice how their life is different. How will they honor their life’s differences after this event? How are they going to approach anniversaries and holidays, food, family, future plans differently? How can you study them and know them in these differences?

These breaths cannot be combined. We must grieve and be glad, rail and rejoice, but God protect us from doing these in the same breath. Just as a memorial service ought not be combined with a wake or a burial, we all need separate times to feel the pain and then to incorporate this pain into our lives.

We can each be that friend who can breathe alongside those whose breath has become ragged.

* I am indebted to Aubrie Hills for sharing the “two breaths” observations in her presentation October 1, 2011 at Gold Gathering.

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Friendships, Cookies & Salmonella Poisoning

Freedom in Friendships

This week we celebrated our amazing national freedom. Freedom falls in so many categories of our lives, including friendships.  There is a balancing act that happens in a relationship that allows for freedom, since two people are not always in the same emotional place.

How do we know when to be content with a relationship the way it is?  Our lives can look different in so many ways, ways that might prevent a relationship from growing or changing.

• work
• marital status
• personal interests
• personality style
• emotional readiness for more

Ready For More?

One way we can differ is our readiness for more in a relationship.   Can you remember the first time you tried something scary – - like jumping off the high dive?  The water below is crispy blue and inviting, but there is a lot of space between the end of the board and the soft ripples below.  To some, a petition for more closeness in a relationship is as scary as standing on the edge of the diving board not sure if you are ready or able.

We can make some good comparisons with things that need time to grow or change, such as ripe piece of fruit, a batch of raw cookie dough, a good story or a personal skill.  Do I offer our friendships the same freedom to develop?  In my differences with others, are there places for a friend who may not be ready for a deeper friendship?  Am I willing to admit I may not be ready or feel safe enough with a certain person? Or maybe there is a trustworthy friend I could jump into the deep end with, sharing more of my true thoughts, feelings, desires and dreams?

One challenge in a friendship is knowing when to allow a relationship to coast in its current state, leave it so that no more harm is done, or press for more in a quest for depth.  Some people have a great capacity for depth in a relationship, some do not.  Some could stand to change a stale friendships that has been the same for too long.  Some have good friendship and life experience, some do not.  Some are aware of what they are like as a person, some are not.  All of these differences are not bad, they just determine how close two people can really be.

There are some realistic ways to evaluate if a friendship could stand the demands that more openness and honesty brings.

• History – How has the friend handled challenges in the past?  Is there a sense of trust and readiness, or a sense of hesitation and fear?
• Interactions – What do your more emotional interactions with this person tell you about the friendship?  Is there an undercurrent of superiority from one person, a constant sense of competition that makes one of you wary of moving forward?  A sense of “You be you and I’ll be me and won’t that be great?”
• Your Gut – What do you feel as you exist in this friendship?  A desire for more, a constant mutual interest?  Regular encouragements for you to do different, be different, do more, be more?

Beware…

Some women look a certain way – inviting, gentle, accepting, ready, safe.  After some luster loses its shine, experience may show me this person is anything but, and they may not even know it (not many people know and then openly admit that they might be a tad close-minded, a bit of a know-it-all, have a smidgen of tendency to be brusk or bossy, or frequently dangle forgiveness like a carrot).  To keep with the “not ready” examples, this is like a dish you pull out of the oven that looks deliciously ready from the outside, but cold and uncooked on the inside.

No

In previous posts, we briefly discussed ending a friendship and also being ready for rejection or disappointment.  When asking for more from someone, you might be met with “no”.  Stomaching this might include accepting someone where they are, even if we are hurt by the answer.  This also might include resting in the confidence that comes from acting on your own thoughts and decisions, trusting your gut, even if we disappoint someone else by saying “No.”

Krysta MacGray's Chocolate Chunk Cookie of http://www.krystaslifeinfood.com

To me, the long and short of it is that it depends on the person.  Some friends have the capacity for more, some do not.  Some want it, some have no interest.  Forcing growth does no one much good, like biting into a piece of fruit that needs more time on the tree.  Hard, bitter and quite unpleasant.

However, there is really nothing like a just-out-of-the-oven cookie baked just right (i.e. no more threat for salmonella poisoning!).  The same could be said about a friendship aptly grown!

A Friendship Aptly Grown

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A Gossipy Fine Line

(a friend who acts like an enemy – or – an enemy who acts like a friend)

(pop culture reference:  Think Paris Hilton & Nicole Richie circa 2005+)

How Is So-And-So Doing?

At a reunion this past weekend I got to hear from a whole group of friends how they are doing, their current interests, what they are up to.  Often this is not the case – it is common that we are asked (or ask) “How is So-And-So doing?”  This is one example of a fine line and where a frenemy can sprout up.  How to maintain respect for someone without falling into a trap of gossip?  It feels sticky sometimes…answering without shutting down a conversation, answering a genuine inquiry, answering with respect to the person being asked about.

The Awkward Silence of Request Not To Gossip

Awkward Silence

Example:  Awhile ago I was at a dinner with some friends and was enjoying some juicy gossip.  One brave soul inserted a forceful request that we not gossip and change the subject.  I swear you could hear crickets chirping in the sudden awkward silence.  Where do you take a conversation from there?  The food?  Weather?  There was a mix of shame and embarrassment on my part, and a smidgen of “I’m better than” from the “let’s not gossip girl” (ha!  another good pop culture reference!)

At one time, Jonalyn and I experienced this together.  She asked a genuine question about a friendship of mine.  I had plenty to say.  Even though the friendship was not a drama-filled one, it was one that had fizzled out.  We dangled in a pregnant pause as I decided how to answer…how do I respond honestly but concisely about this person?  Can I represent my friend without momentarily turning myself into her enemy?  Or, if it had been a more painful situation, respect someone who has hurt me that I would really like to lash out at passive-aggressively (e.g. I will hurt you behind your back but not to your face)?

A Certain Laziness

There is a laziness that we could admit to – asking others so that we don’t have to go straight to the source, make a long phone call, get updated and admit regrets of not keeping in touch (everyone gets to throw out the “so busy” excuse we use, hate, don’t believe, etc.)  So we ask someone else.  This is also a fine line – I can only keep in touch with so many people, and even though I might inquire in a genuine way, it is really up to me to be the friend – not put someone else in the position of being a gossip or informant.

Realistically, I Must Admit

I would love it if no one ever talked about me behind my back.  But realistically, I know it happens.  Realistically, I know that I am not good friend material to everyone: for some I prove to be too much of some things and not enough of others; some find me difficult for a colorful variety of reasons. A friend might need some advice on how to handle me.

I Know It Happens...

A Few Response Options

I have an excellent friend who has defended my honor on many occasions.  She has a delicious mix of boldness and sweetness that I admire.  We used to live in the same town…since I moved, others often ask about me since she and I remain close friends.  To any question resembling “How is Sally doing?” she kindly responds that she does not really like to talk about other people’s business and that Sally would probably love to hear from you.  As far as responses go, that’s one option.

Other options? While The Golden Rule is a simple, guiding principle we can all practice, there are a few other ways to work against gaining or being a frenemy.   There are also times we need to talk in confidence to another friend that offers solid, loving advice without fueling the gossip fire.  

A final favorite – many of us have heard that a good judge of conversational content is to say only what you would say if the person was standing there. 

Overall, no matter the approach we choose to take, I don’t think we can argue with the fact that we get plenty of chances to practice not making an enemy out of a friend by handling social and personal discussions well.  

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Wonderful People Hurting Wonderful People

Earlier in my marriage Dale and I would find ourselves fencing along the same corridor.  We still have arguments that sound like same song, second verse.

The surface features change, we’re disagreeing about how often the living room should be picked up instead of when the bathroom needs to be cleaned, but the root cause is the same. So is the outcome.

Dale feels misunderstood, because I assume he’s trying to hurt me.

I feel annoyed and un-listened to because he’s assumed the requests aren’t top priority.

I’ll be full steaming ahead to make a really good point, when Dale will stop and say,

“Do you think I would have done that, said that, meant that, to hurt you?”

Ohhhh, yea.

My husband is not the kind of person who would hurt me, not on purpose.

It’s been years since Dale’s introduced this pause into our arguments, but only recently my therapist put it more clearly, “First of all,” she said, “Remember that you’ve married a wonderful person.”

True and easy to agree with most days.

But in the fiery frustration of the moment it’s much easier to assume he left the papers out because he knew it would bother me.  I mean, why else would he do it?!

To believe the worst, to imagine he’s plotting to annoy me, to think the most incriminating backstory, to fail to offer Dale the benefit of the doubt comes easily to me. It’s the rut I fall into most naturally.

But the times I’ve told him, “Okay, I know you would never do this intentionally to hurt me, but I was wondering (insert request here),” our conversation burst with mutual understanding and even a few grins thrown in.

Now, how does my friendship with Dale apply to girlfriends?

I wish I could say this lesson is easily applicable to girl friends. But I’ve known girls who hurt their friends on purpose: the longtime friend who snubs you at the reunion, the sister who pokes the sore topic, the colleague who drops casual hints that prove her higher pay grade. I once told a friend, “What you said really hurt me!”

“Good!” she returned.  I was completely baffled at her outright animosity.  Later, I learned she had felt hurt by me (unintentionally, but still) and was returning in-kind.

Girls do know how to hurt on purpose.  But I don’t think good friends sow seeds of malicious hurt. In fact this might be a good way to distinguish a good friend from a frenemy. If they hurt me I can bank on them doing it unintentionally.  For instance, I’ve had long time, safe friends confront me. They’ve hurt me, but not on purpose.  Their loving, humble, careful approach in asking me to consider something, with freedom and openness to hear my side speaks louder than my hurt.

Girl friends that I will keep near me do not hurt on purpose.

A few months ago a childhood friend, call her Lavinia, told her husband about a personal failing (PF) I shared in confidence.  Her husband, unaware of the secrecy of the PF relayed the story to a mutual friend, who I’d rather not know about my PF.

The day Lavinia realized what she had done, she called me.

“I’m so sorry,” she said, “What can I do to remedy this situation?”

Taking a cue from arguments with Dale, I had to ask myself questions:

• Was Lavinia trying to hurt me?
• Did this harm my ability to trust Lavinia in the future?
• Was this a pattern of Lavinia’s in the past?

To each question I had to answer no.

Lavinia is a wonderful friend, someone whose heart is true, who is for me. Someone I can gladly extend the benefit of the doubt.

So I told her so, “I know you didn’t do this to hurt me or make me look bad.  Thank you for telling me what happened, for wanting to make amends.  But it’s okay.  I don’t see this as a make or break moment in our friendship.”

I could hear her sigh of relief into the phone.  After we chatted for a few more minutes I hung up and thought about how Dale had offered me the training wheels to easily coast into this moment.

I hopped off the chair to go find him and give that wonderful guy a big hug.

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Where’s The Fun In That?

Kate Hudson & Ginnifer Griffin in Something Borrowed

There’s a new movie coming out this summer: Something Borrowed (Kate Hudson, Ginnifer Goodwin, John Krasinski), based on Emily Griffin’s fun girly novel about two friends who fall for the same guy, the pushier friend ends up engaged to the sweet do-gooder’s love .  Sara Vilkomerson’s short review in Entertainment Weekly recounts how the male movie director prepared for managing this production:  He “watched plenty of female-driven films, such as Beaches.  His discovery?  ’Women’s friendships are a lot more complicated than guys’ ‘, he says.  ’The male version of Something Borrowed would be one page long, and it would have one guy punch the other in the face and say, “Dude, don’t (expletive) do that again.’  Now, where’s the fun in that?“

Another example? I just finished watching an episode of Law and Order: LA – where a cop and a prosecutor (both males) meet for drinks after a trial that included a few heated arguments between the two of them.  One says to the other, “My dad used to say an apology is the best way to get the last word; so if that’s what this is Counselor, screw you.”  A few seconds pass as they offer each other cold stares, they both start laughing and then order fresh drinks.

This is a bit hard to imagine happening between women.  What’s easier to imagine is an awkward meet up or phone call, a long discussion that includes content of emotions. versions of the story, possibly tears, maybe raised voices and loud sighs of disagreement and frustration, maybe an apology.  If things go well, a hug at the end and things might remain tender as the two women begin navigating their friendship again.  If things go poorly, you can imagine any number of ways that the two women leave the friendship, most of which would include a coldness that may or may not ever thaw.

Even though “man-stealing” is a common issue between women, I am not sure that many women would describe what happens between women in difficult friendship moments as “fun” because we don’t usually end things with short sentences and a quick meeting-of-the-minds.  More often, we resort to passive-aggressive tactics such as gossip or steely silence.

Can you imagine the following – Sally & Jonalyn after a difficult situation:

J: If you think you can just apologize, then screw you!

S: (No answer) offers a sly smile of admission of guilt, lifts her glass of wine.  Jonalyn smiles back, they laugh and they begin talking about something else, forgetting the past.

Rather, can you imagine this – of many possible woman/friendship examples:

- You didn’t call me back

- You spend time with others

- I heard you talked about me behind my back

- You inappropriately flirted with my boyfriend/husband

- You talk over me in conversations

- etc.

Jonalyn tells Sally a small white lie about her not being available to get together because she is under the weather, then Sally sees Jonalyn with another friend, laughing over a salad at lunch.  The pang of rejection and betrayal sting Sally, and she (without much thought) crafts her response.  A sharp eye to the table where all the fun is occurring, possibly stomping off with a small huff as she yanks out her cell phone to call someone else to talk about the whole thing.  Venting, she relieves her hurt feelings (possibly making a vow that the friendship has changed then and there).  The two don’t talk about the situation for three months, until then Sally is aloof and Jonalyn doesn’t know why because she has forgotten the small situation and thought things were okay, even if awkward.

Some of the things that make our friendships worthwhile, are the harder things that we have to work through.  Sure, most of us could stand to be less defensive and less reactive, and more gracious and understanding (myself included).

Jonalyn and I enjoyed a great conversation recently, as we admitted that one thing that brings depth to our relationship is the importance of our really knowing each other’s sensitivities and attending to those with grace…but to know these things, safety is necessary, and if safety is available, that means that we have both proved ourselves trustworthy through previous interactions, disagreements, conversations.

(Even these past sentences, can you imagine a man discussing his friendships in a blog and this being one of his statements? )

Is there a cause for this distinct difference in friendship styles?  Really, I think we all can acknowledge the obvious, admitting that we could learn something from the “thick-skinned” way that men relate to one another, and men could learn something from how women add more of their true feelings in a relationship.  This isn’t to say that men quit friendships, grow out of friendships, or never share their emotional selves with one another.  They just handle friendships differently, with a bit less drama, maybe?

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Mountains and Molehills in Friendship

Coming from a family culture where secrets weren’t permitted, it was easy for me to grow up assuming that secrets meant you had something shameful to hide. I can hear a family member once catechizing me, “Why would you hide it unless it’s something bad?”

I couldn’t imagine a friendship where someone wouldn’t want to share EVERYthing with me. Self-disclosure, for a long time, became a prerequisite for closeness, a mountain in friendship, something I expected out of any close friend.

In my friendship with Sally I would find myself easily unnerved to discover that she had pockets of life, experiences and even friendships that she didn’t share with me.

I guessed it was because we were just becoming friends, or that she was still trying to determine if I was a safe place for her to share. Later into our friendship, I thought she was just taking her time.

But now, I’ve realized that Sally didn’t or doesn’t share everything with me because some parts of her life don’t relate to our friendship or just aren’t worth bringing up in the moment.

The cool part: she returns the favor. If I find myself walking into a subject that I suddenly realize I’m not comfortable sharing I don’t have to make up something, or awkwardly change the subject. I can honestly, simply say,

“You know, I don’t think I’m ready to talk about this right now.”

Enough said, we move on. The self-disclosure attribute, the “no secrets between us” that used to be a mountain actually became a molehill in my friendships.

Each of us have our own mountains, the beaches to die on that we require our closest friends to get about us. If you think of the ways friendships work, my personal philosophy is the more similar you are, the more you will connect. As I’ve quoted previously in The Recipe for a Good Friendship Thomas Merton, the Catholic mystic and monk writes,

Certain people, very few, are our close friends. Because we have more in common with them, we are able to love them with a special selfless perfection, since we have more to share. They are inseparable from our own destiny, and, therefore, our love for them is especially holy: it is a manifestation of God in our lives. (No Man is an Island, 12).

There are so many places to clash or resonate with a friend: socio-economic status, ethnicity, education, interests, marital status, sexuality, kids, kid’s ages, parenting style, religious beliefs, church, hobbies, family background. But in looking over this list, do you think all these are mountains?  In other words, can you become friends, really close friends with someone with different marital status, ethnicity and parenting style?

Depends.

How important are these in your life?

My mountains are formed on the bedrock of my friend’s interests.  I care about women and spirituality, love for God, desire to grow and a steady diet of books. But there are things about me, my marital status, my love for self-disclosure, my house church, my ethnicity, my penchant for organizing that my close friends do not need to share.  The molehills for me might not be molehills for you.

Take a moment today to see if you can list a few of your own mountains in your friendships. Then, see if you can list your molehills, things you care about but things you won’t require a close friend be the very same as you. Perhaps you’ll find like I did that the things my family counted a bit deal are actually small potatoes.

Knowing your mountains (and molehills) will help you find friends that fit into your destiny, friends who will build holiness in you, friends who grin into your eyes and help you see God.

Photo credit: kennethlinge.squarespace.com and norcalblogs.com

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Slim Pickings: Making Friends As An Adult

Not In Kindergarten Anymore…

 

For most of us, we could pull friends from a variety of places for years on end.  Starting in kindergarten, we had a set of girls to choose from, whether from class, piano lessons, ballet, a soccer team, your neighborhood, family friends, or church.  This lasts through high school and into college.   Then we are hit with a real-life job, a real-life marriage, a cross-country move, or any number of things that break this “ready-made” chain.

So now into adulthood, a question I hear over and over again is where to start?  How do I make friends now?

Slim Pickings…

Do you ever feel like pickings are slim where finding a friend is concerned?  Adult commitments often narrow available time we can devote to friendships – whether growing an existing relationship or beginning a new one.

I learned a mantra once that has stuck with me (credit: Tony Evans  - Oak Cliff Bible Fellowship, Oak Cliff, Tx).

Start where you are.

Use what you have.

Do what you can.

How To Use The Mantra

Let’s say that you wanted to run a marathon.  Keeping the final goal in mind, you might start by running one mile, using the running shoes you have and the neighborhood you live in, and find a marathon training schedule online.  As opposed to:  I’ve never run that far before and probably couldn’t do it; my running shoes are old, I don’t have a gym membership, and I have no idea how to train for one of those crazy races.

Apply it to making a new friend.

Start where you are: Where are women you might choose from – church, the gym, work, a professional colleague?

Use what you have - an old relationship that could be rekindled, someone you’ve been introduced to. Personal interests work well in this category – what do you like to do – fly fish? read? critique food? coffee or go for a walk, but just like running one mile instead of 26.2, it’s okay to start small.

Do what you can – you do not have to offer up your full personal history and heart, or meet every day for the rest of your life.  But you could chat over Chinese food, join a book club, call an old friend that you have a hunch might be good to reconnect with.

Proctology and Friendships

We spend a plethora of time nursing excuses (another favorite mantra of mine…Excuses are like b***holes, we all have them and they all stink).

We seem to draw from any number of reasons why we cannot move from the space we are in, places of loneliness or isolation, nurtured “I can’ts” -, nestled safely in fear.

I don’t have time. I’ve been hurt before. I don’t like women. I wouldn’t know where to even find someone I like…or who likes me. She wouldn’t want to be friends with me.

_______________ (you can add your own special excuse here!)

 

Plan Ahead

Be ready for success or disappointment.  Some friendships just don’t seem to work out, some do.  A dead end doesn’t have to be a full loss; be proud of the effort and count it as experience.  Remember, it is important to “let me be me”…some are not ready for friendship, some don’t want it, some are afraid, etc. There are all types of friendships and acquaintanceships to be had.  Its like the 31 flavors at Baskin-Robbins – - there are all there, not all are my favorite, but I like having the choice.

Personally, I usually give someone a few chances.  When there is a pattern of lack of interest, I move on.  They don’t call back, they cancel.  If someone really does want to get to know me, I will see it how they respond to me. If not, this is not a knock on me, but knowledge I like having – rather than sinking time, energy and attention into a relationship that will probably only bring me frustration (and other emotions).

Extra Ideas

Ask someone else who seems to know what they are doing.  Try out one or two of the recommendations and see what fits your style. I had a friend tell me once that when she is feeling awkward or alone at an event, she looks for another person who looks bored or dismayed.  She starts with that person and sees what happens.  (I cannot tell you how many times this has worked for me!)

(This is the same friend who thought I was a bump-on-a log when she met me.  Maybe I was that dismayed-looking introvert in the corner??)

Have a party with a friend, or invite a few friends over and see if you can jumpstart connections.  If not a party, meet for lunch, attend a wine tasting, etc.

Educate yourself on what a good friend is.  One recommendation – a short little book called The Art of Friendship: 70 Simple Rules For Making Meaningful Connections by Roger and Sally Horchow (yes, that Horchow).

Lower your expectations.  The less we pressure situations to be “the answer” the more freedom the relationship has to develop on its own.

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Ready, Shoot, Aim? – Confronting Friends Without Losing Them

“One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a [sister].” Proverbs 18:24

During the first year of getting to know Sally, I found myself growing more and more irked with her style of returning phone calls.  To my mind she put me off. Where I would call friends back the day they called me, Sally did not.

After a week which felt like Sally ignoring me, I finally decided to confront the issue. I would let her know that I felt like it took forever to get together and that I felt like she was avoiding me.

I picked up the phone and called, instead of getting voicemail I got Sally’s sunny, “Hello!”

“I have a problem,” I said soon after her greeting.  ”I feel like I have to call a lot of times to get ahold of you.”  As soon as I said it I felt a little whiney.  ”I guess I’m just wondering if you really have time to get together and if you do, can you get back to me sooner?”

Sally responded so calmly, no yelling or attack back at me.  I can’t remember word for word what she said, but she did confess that when she heard my complaint her first reaction was to roll her eyes.

I was sort of flabbergasted that she told me that, I mean, she didn’t have to. Talk about honesty.  Then, she said, “But I don’t want to have that reaction when you call!”

I totally agreed, though inside I was wondering if I was a pain-in-the-butt friend, demanding and needy.  Sally went on to talk about how she was doing her best to get back to me and how it would help if I could be understanding of her schedule. She reminded me that we had been friends for over a year and by this time she hoped I would understand that she valued me and our friendship.

I remember thinking, “A year? Really? We’ve known each other that long?”  She didn’t inundate me with reassurances that she liked our friendship, she simply pointed to the evidence of time, interaction and intention she had already invested.

I hung up thinking that Sally was right, her record did prove she cared, but I was still sort of annoyed with myself because my insecurity and impatience had pushed me to make a hasty, confrontative phone call.

A few days later Sally and I were driving to a women’s Bible study together.  After we had spent several minutes talking about our last few days, she said, “I’ve noticed that when you have something to share you have this way of approaching  me, with a ‘ready, shoot, aim’ approach.”

It took a moment for me to even realize she was confronting me. All I could say was, “Really?”

The way she explained it, that I would shoot before I would aim was totally true.  It was so weird but I felt understood in my mistake. Sally’s little analogy (she is, by the way, brilliant with metaphors) was packed with knowledge and insight into who I was. Sally knew that I tended to jump to the confrontation before thinking carefully about what I was saying. She was telling me I was hasty and perhaps impatient, but in a way I could hear, even better, totally accept.

She didn’t shame me; she didn’t pull away her warmth; she was kind and even able to laugh about it with me as I realized she was right. I could even tell her I was sorry without feeling dumb about it.

Sally’s formula was simple and full of intentional love:

1- Talk about what you both care about, this allows you both to connect which is the point of your friendship in the first place.

2- Tell her how you’re feeling in a brief, clear way that expresses something that bothers you.

3- Return to your original conversation to be sure that both of you remember that you care about and feel warmly toward the other.

Fudge on 1 or 3 and the confrontation moment will have the potential to rain out your friendship.

My mentor in college once shared a painful experience about confronting her longtime friend.  They never made it to #3, her friend was so insulted that something she had done was hurtful she ended up attacking my mentor.

In the end her friend withdrew her warmth leaving my mentor feeling isolated and punished.  As she said, some friendships mistakenly feel that they can make it through steps 1-3, but in reality, can’t.

I remember and still seek this mentor’s advice, as her experience reminds me that sometimes our friends unintentionally seem to offer more than they can.  As she puts it, we can only continue to grow close to friends who want to know our feelings, even the painful ones.

The friends who long to know what we think and feel, in all seasons, these are the friends who stick closer than sisters.

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P.S. (What I Haven’t Said)

Honesty in Friendships

I had this funny situation last week, that reminded me of this upcoming post on honesty and frankness with friends.  Although not with a close friend, I was reminded how easy it is to lie, fudge or avoid the actual truth.

A Simple White Lie

When Was The Bread Made?

I made a quick stop at a bakery in town for fresh bread last week.  I asked the cute teenage girl at the front when the bread was made, she turned around and inquired of the baker who scrunched her face and said, “Tuesday.”  I had a clear view of the quick exchange and heard her answer (I have Whisper 2000! ) The teenager turned to me and said, “Wednesday.”  I was momentarily taken aback, then almost laughed, then bit my tongue, because I had wanted to say, “Really?  You are going to lie to me about when a load of bread was made?”  Nonetheless, I bought a different type of bread (fresh) and made my way home.

P.S.

Why discuss this topic?  I lost a friend or two last year after being honest; and I find myself among many women that deem this a sticky element of female friendship; talking honestly is so sensitive and potentially damaging.

I was recently I drawn to a book that I casually looked over…then went back to open it up.

P.S. What I Didn’t Say:  Unsent Letters To Our Female Friends drew me in.  I sat, reading letters women wrote to other women, many (sadly) included letters of pain from the impact friends made on one another – from criticism about looks (e.g. the bump on my nose) to being abandoned without explanation. Many stories/letters included a sense of disillusionment, women writing to other women who, whether they knew it or not, left a strong imprint on their lives.  The disillusionment seemed to be saying, “Why?”  “Why did you say that to me?”  “Why did you treat me that way?”  “Why did I offer so much of myself to you, only to be hurt in the end?”, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

In our effort to blog about female friendship, and encouragements between ourselves and our readers to build solid, loving and gracious friendships, lets talk about this sticky topic so that our stories do not end up in a book, hiding behind a writer, publisher and editor, sandwiched between other letters from other women who should have said something.

The Basics (I put my psychologist hat on for this one!)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Easier Said Than Done

 

It’s Awkward

Can we all agree that talking frankly with a friend is awkward?  It is hard to approach someone, it is hard to be approached.  It is easier to let the moment pass, to pretend we are not bothered or as hurt as we feel.  Meanwhile, the lump under the run gets bigger and bigger.

How To Start?

Sometimes saying what you both know helps.  Instead of offering an ambiguous “Can we talk?” – describe what you are approaching.  “I feel like things have been off since we had lunch last week.  Would you be willing to talk about it?”

Ask First

This request is often overlooked.  It is much more respectful to ask someone if they are willing to participate than demanding (directly or indirectly) that they do, or leaving them feeling weird wondering what is coming next.  By agreeing to talk, both people feel some sense of control (this helps lessen defensiveness).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two To Tango

 

Two To Tango

Here’s a challenge in confrontation, consider the other person as a way to help you in your approach.  In the steps to conflict resolution, forgiveness and mediation, well-known authors cite the power of listening, seeking to understand, and empathy.  Take the time to think about what your friend might be thinking, feeling, experiencing.  This can be so hard, but its results are worth the discomfort.

Who To Be Honest With?

Remember the Friendship Target?  Those on the inside get the best of you, the sweetest, most vulnerable parts of you.  Further outward, less of you.  Be a steward of your own value – some people do not deserve the place to speak into your life at deeper level.  Remember this about others, too.  You may have plenty to say to her, but you may not occupy a spot that allows                                                       your this right.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Time To Talk?

 

When To Be Honest?

1. How long has it been bothering you?  If the environment remains awkward, its time to talk.  After you have physically and mentally settled down, is something still bugging you?  Time to talk.  Are you talking about it with others but not her? Time to talk.
2. Ask yourself if you are able to move forward without hinderance.  Jonalyn, with her Quaker background, taught me a great saying (after one of our honest conversations!) that we have asked each other a number of times.  “Are all hearts clear?”  If not, something still remains to be resolved.
3. Practice.  Don’t lie about when the bread was made.  If something is bothering you or hurt you, say so.
   

   All Hearts Clear?

What To Say?

Speak the truth in love; hand someone difficult words with grace.  If your words are barbed and spoken out of anger, you may not get far.  And be willing to receive their words.  Their experience of being your friend.

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Target Practice: Hitting a Bullseye in Friendship

Typer Perry as Madea...with a gun.

Were you expecting to see a picture of me with a gun, given this title?!?!

Our topic for this month is the recipe for a good friendship.  Jonalyn offered some great ideas in her post on what you might look for in a good friend.  Taking this a bit further…I wanted to look at some of the things that impact how we makes friends and how many friends we have.

Bullseye

I think we all have a sweet spot.  A magnificent place in each of us where we are most protected, most vulnerable, full of feelings.  This is a place where our sensitivities show their soft underbelly, where past, present and future hold hands, where a personality exists with no masks.  In this place we feel shame quickly, happy quickly, loved quickly, encouraged quickly.  It is where the “real me” resides.

A Friendship Target

Think of an archery target, picturing your friendships in each ring. The people that get to your sweet spot can be counted on one hand.  Moving out from from the bullseye, more and more people fit into the categories: close friends, friends, acquaintances, strangers.  Remembering, each friendship you add to the list requires your time, attention, emotions and commitment.  As you can imagine, the more people, the further your personal resources are stretched.

The Friendship Target: Different Levels of Closeness

Bullseye:  The Closest, Most Priveledged (3-5)

2nd Ring:  Close (3-5)

3rd Ring:  Friend (5+)

4th Ring:  Acquaintance – (5++)

5th Ring:  Stranger

Further out:  less privileged.

Choosing = Not Nice

If we have friends at different levels of closeness, this means we have chosen some people over others.  This implies rejection, rudeness, being selective.  Where did we learn that choosing is not nice?  When we were picked last for dodgeball?  Let’s say that in general, we grow up in a culture where we are taught to be nice to everyone, include everyone, deny ourselves.  We do ourselves a disservice when we try to be liked by everyone, and when we try to like everyone.  (Please, at this point, do not confuse liking everyone with kindness; most times we can be kind).

Debra Ollivier, an American who married a Frenchman, wrote a brilliant book called What French Women Know About Love, Sex and Other Matters of the Heart and Mind. Focusing on her American culture and upbringing, she describes “…one of the first pressures that bears down on American girls is the pressure not only to be liked but to be like everyone else.”  A French friend of hers, perplexed by the American notion of “popularity”, told Debra that popularity means being “liked by everybody, which means that in someway you correspond to everybody…[but] if you are liked by everyone it suggests you are somehow bland, there is nothing authentic, original about you, nevermind sexy.”

Sweet Up Front

To me, this approach, can translate into not really knowing what friendship is, having odd, unbalanced expectations, ending up with no one to really call a true friend, not really knowing what I need in a friendship or what I offer.

Sweet Up Front...

Another result? We can keep a smile on and use a sweet tone, continuing in a friendship with someone we may not even like!  Because we feel like we have to.  And then what happens?  We talk behind each other’s backs, we make comments, we criticize…sweetly though!  And all of that in the name of being nice? Somehow, in the pursuit of being nice, we end up hurt, or end up hurting.

Can you think of a friend, that, simply, is just a pain?  Most things that surround this person are more work than anything resembling a friendship?  Yet we keep spending time with them, just to be nice.  Such funny creatures we are, saying yes so as not to hurt someone else, when a better answer might be no, not now, or not so close.

Target Practice

In our tendency to be “an inch thick and a mile wide” – spread thin in the different areas of our lives, performing well in all of them, a little target practice can help sort some things out.  Who has access to your sweet spot and do they handle it with care?  Do you need to do some shuffling around, moving away from a “sweet on the outside” approach to friendship?

Want to do a little target practice of your own?  Click here to print out a Friendship Target!

Target Practice in Friendship

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