Looking back, I don’t believe I’ve ever sat down and expressed my feelings of how her comments were hurting me. I wanted to avoid being blamed for being too sensitive or judgmental. I assumed she would understand my pulling away from her after a competitive, difficult relationship for so many years. I think she feels like I disappeared, no matter how hard I encouraged her and was there for her. I am (almost) done with the feelings of inadequacy I was experiencing, because of not investing as much as I used to.

This whole process has most certainly stretched my relationship skills. I’ve learned a lot from this friendship, and I might have approached things a little differently was I fully understanding of my limitations and needs. Things remains as I wrote above, but I have started to pray for her…and truly mean it.

They did call back but then said they had to reschedule. It was hard to me to be at the time they wanted to call and I was putting time with my husband aside to talk. I wouldn’t mind this, but it happens a good number of times. I even told this person in an email that it hurt when they said they would do something and they didn’t follow through. I’ve tried to be accommodating too. I told them if talking biweekly was better or tried to give them a way out that gives them more time and freedom. Yet they say they want to talk every weekend. Or they want to do a project. But then, it is hard to get ahold of them. I feel most of my energy is geared to planning a time instead of quality conversation and when they called twice, I did manage to ask some technical questions I needed answered. We made a plan to talk in the middle of the week, but I fear I’ll move my schedule around to accommodate but then they will cancel or be rushed, which I don’t think would happen with a biweekly calling plan vs. weekly.

I try to make them understand my view without being demanding. That if we make a plan and I look forward to talking, I will be disappointed if I feel like I was cancelled. Like everything else is more important. It doesn’t feel good.

What is your advice if you have a friend who doesn’t follow through yet asks you to be persistent because they will get to you eventually? I mean, I try to be as nice as possible but when my husband and I are trying to eat and they call early then say they need to call back at a different time then we planned, only to call back and cancel…then planning another day only to leave me wondering if that plan won’t be the same thing. I will leave a simple email or call, wanting to confirm a time, but they usually go unanswered. I feel this person wants to talk because of what they say to me, yet their actions don’t mesh. I do get a few items from them that I tend to want to back off of, like my friend saying they are having couple problems. I am open to talking less if they need the time. But the main thing is the planning. I get frustrating with all the planning that might end up with the other person either not calling me at all or calling and saying they can’t make it. I am not sure how we can do a project together without good communication at least twice a month.

As far as your response, I don’t think I ask my friends to carry my trauma. My friend offered to write me a response, I didn’t ask. They said they would talk to me even when I said I understood they had a newborn and may not have time. I feel almost too understanding on my end about broken promises. That is why I had to tell them their actions hurt me. SImple stuff, like me asking a yes/no question they could answer in a 30 second email. I didn’t need a deep response. I think it did help, for my friend thought all their emails had to be profound. I wanted an answer to a question, not something written perfectly. We did talk two weeks in a row, but it was hard making the plans and I feel we may not talk in the middle of the week as planned. What can I do to get over the disappointment if that happens?

I have other friends, but most of them seem to do this, like being rude and not following through is an accepted norm. One I don’t do. If I say I will be somewhere at a planned time, I am there. I expect people to take me into consideration the same way. Is that wrong?

Thank you for your kind words about LetMeBeMe… It means a lot that you’ve found our thoughts helpful and hopeful. Redemptive and healing are good words for us to hear.

This is a very good example of a potentially unaware friend. It sounds like the best case scenario is unawareness. Even so, due to your desire to be more healthy and not do double emotional work with her I think it is wise to process your emotions separate from your friendship with her.

While this will be jumping to conclusions based on limited knowledge her reaching out to your fellow friends/acquaintances when this was something she seemed to distinctly lack in your friendship feels underhanded to me. Almost as if she’s trying to remind you of what you’ve left.

It is not mature.
It is not kind.
And while it may be unaware, it flows from a heart need.

That you feel embarrassed and awkward is appropriate. Her behavior is embarrassing and bizarre. It’s almost like an ex-boyfriend trying to get close to your girlfriends.

That said, her decision to compliment and interact with them online is nowhere the kind of friendship she longs for.

I believe feelings the embarrassment is step one.
The next step is stepping into acknowledgment that her behavior and strangeness is not a reflection on you. As this blog is titled, “let her be her.” She does not reflect you, she reflects her own heart. And her heart is hurting, she is making mistakes because she seeks love.

Out of the heart the mouth speaks. I would suggest you work on, as a third step, a plan to pray for her to recover, to notice her pattern of unawareness or worse, to come clean with her behavior to herself and to God.

This quote about Snow White comes to mind. I hope it helps.

“What does Snow White want?” I ask him.

“She wants love.”

“And what does the evil Queen want?”

“She wants power.”

“But what does the Queen really want?”

“Love.”

“What does that mean?”

“She’s making a mistake.”
from: http://carlosantoniodelgado.com/2012/06/22/things-i-believe-are-the-same-as-or-different-than-things-you-believe-even-so-even-so-some-notes-on-so-called-christian-art/

Now, I am having trouble and am confused by the way she has been reaching out to my friends online, friends who she knows only because I am close with them. Most of my friends don’t know what happened and I plan on keeping it that way, but I am rather surprised by the way she befriended them online, compliments them, tries to make plans with and offer advice to them. I don’t know if that makes her unaware, or if she knows it is hurtful to me. While I don’t mind not hearing from her anymore, I have difficulty moving completely forward when I see all of these attempts to reach out to these aquaintences and friends of my own. I am embarrased by her behavior, but deep down it hurts and it feels awkward that I am somewhat connected with her.

That felt great to share that. Thank you for your blog. I have found it to be so healing and redemptive. Blessings to you both!